


Death Keeps Knocking On My Door

by Rebekah_Matthews



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22272337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebekah_Matthews/pseuds/Rebekah_Matthews
Summary: Set at the end of June, 10 months after Bella's 18th birthday, and 2 months before their wedding in August, Bella's emotional and physical trauma following the events of her birthday through to Edward's return comes back to haunt her. She's forced to confront the pain and loneliness that never went away, learning a thing or two about immortality and the perfection she always saw.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Bella Swan/Charlie Swan, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale
Comments: 11
Kudos: 38





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! I hope you enjoy this story.

Dear Gran,

I’m no stranger to death, but that doesn’t mean I want to talk about it. I’d rather not think about it at all. Except lately… death keeps knocking on my door. Ten months ago, I messed up, bad. I messed up in ways that if you were here, you would be so disappointed in me. I’m not sure I know how to fix it.

I don’t know if it was even real… I was told today that you would never find peace until I found it in myself. I hope that was a lie told to punish me. God knows, I deserved that. But if it’s true, I’m going to do better. I saw a glimpse of what true loneliness feels like. Of what lies in store for me if I don’t find my own peace, so I’m going to get to work on that. I’m glad to know you’re with me, but I look forward to the day you’re not.

I love –

“Bella?” a soft voice chimed, putting a pause to the pen scribbling the words on the page, her heart skipping a beat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! It'll be great to hear your thoughts as the story moves forward - a lot happens!

A frown was clear as day on the pale face staring back at her through deep, chocolate brown eyes. Bella sighed heavily as she picked up her brush and ran it through her long dark tresses. Graduation felt a lifetime ago and the horrors of the fight with Victoria and her army of new-borns was finally over, yet she didn’t know what kept that frown there. Edward rarely left her alone these days, which in all honesty went from an overwhelming desire and need after they returned from Volterra to stifling and claustrophobic. This was one of those rare days when she woke up alone because he was out with his favourite sister, Alice, hunting. She felt guilt course through her veins whenever she acknowledged the needed breathing space she had when she was in her own company. In many ways, she was so much like her father, Charlie. Before she met Edward, she was happy to be by herself, reading, taking care of her home and finishing off homework. Then she lost Edward and suddenly, being alone was a black hole of despair that she couldn’t escape.

A short knock interrupted her thoughts.

“Bella?” Charlie’s gruff voice sounded through the door.

 _Who else would it be?_ She often wondered sarcastically. “Come in, dad,” she invited.

The door swung open and Charlie stepped into the room, shifting on his feet. “I’m going out fishing with Billy. Will you be alright on your own?”

“Yeah, dad,” she replied. “I’m thinking of heading over to see Esme later.”

“W-wedding details?” he inquired, stammering.

“Actually, no,” Bella countered, trying her best to ignore the twitch in his eye. The subject of her recent engagement to Edward was a sore subject, especially after her mother, Renee, was thrilled by it and not at all poised to lecture Bella on marrying young, or with who. “Edward and Alice are away for another day and Esme thought to invite me as I’m not really doing anything.” She eyed her tatty copy of Wuthering Heights on her bed and made a mental note that she wasn’t really doing anything new.

“Alright,” he nodded. “I have my phone if you need me.”

“Thanks, dad,” she smiled. “See you later.”

She watched her door close behind him and she stood up, turning to her dresser for fresh clothes, a sudden overwhelming feeling of dizziness catching her off guard, causing her to clutch on to the back of her desk chair. She squeezed her eyes closed and breathed deeply, aware of the blood pumping quickly through her veins. She shook her head, trying to shake the feeling off that something was squeezing at her chest. She opened her eyes again and let out a gust of air that felt like a heavy burden on her lungs. She reached for a blouse and jeans, putting them on quickly before leaving the room. This feeling was tomorrow’s problem, as it always was.

Carlisle flew through the house as he raced downstairs, glancing at his watch in exasperation. How could a vampire with super speed possibly be late? Ah, he supposed, doing up a few more buttons on his shirt on his way down, leaving the top two undone. His wife. He grinned to himself as he heard the shower turn on from the level above him. He passed the kitchen as he swept up his bag and flung his coat over his arm but then found himself doing a 180 back into the kitchen. He saw the island covered in various foods, from snacks to salads to an elaborate Italian meal set in a dish to keep it warm. Bella was coming over he knew. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes good naturedly at his wife’s motherly, caring tendencies. Before he turned to leave through the door, he considered all the food set out and knew that a lot of it wouldn’t be touched by Bella.

Esme brushed through her caramel curls and watched in fascination as the light shone through the clouds hitting her skin, giving the illusion of a million diamonds glittering in the light. In all her years as an immortal, she was never once repulsed by her change, which was quite the contrary to how Carlisle thought she’d feel. Despite her intention to die by her heartbreak, she never felt more alive. If she could blush, she knew the colour would rise in her cheeks as she glanced at her bed and the tangled sheets. The sound of a familiar angry engine rang through her ears from a few miles away from the house and she smiled to herself as she was brought out of her thoughts. Within seconds the bed was immaculately made, then she made her way downstairs, the scent of Carlisle still lingering in the air. She straightened her chiffon top and made her way out of the front door and sat on the step while she waited another two minutes for Bella to arrive.

Absentmindedly, Bella rubbed at her chest where it hurt. She was reaching the long winding road that took her to the Cullen’s residence and she knew she didn’t have much longer to go. She took in a lungful of air and winced. That didn’t help. She thought ahead to seeing Esme and smiled. She loved the warmth that Esme brought to her life when she was around her. Her heart-shaped face and welcoming smile never failed to make her feel like she belonged and that was something she really had to work for. It got a little harder after… Bella stopped that train of thought. She pondered how she had no trouble making her own way to the Cullen’s now. Before it was like she was driving blind, lost.

She saw the house come into view and immediately noticed Esme perched on the front porch. She pulled up and hopped out of her red Chevy, smiling in greeting, as Esme jumped up.

“Bella,” Esme welcomed her, pulling her into a gentle hug. “Let’s go inside.”

“Thank you for the invite, Esme,” Bella said, squeezing Esme’s side gently as her arm was still wrapped around her torso.

“Oh, it’s my pleasure,” Esme laughed softly as they crossed the threshold and made their way to the kitchen.

Bella came to an abrupt standstill as she saw the buffet presented on the island in the middle of the kitchen. Esme turned to look at Bella in surprise, her eyebrows raised.

“What’s wrong?” Esme wondered, totally oblivious.

“Why is there so much food?” Bella breathed, feeling the blush rising in her cheeks.

“I don’t know what you would have felt like eating,” Esme replied, waving it off.

“It’s unnecessary,” Bella countered. “A cheese sandwich would have been fine.”

“Oh, Bella,” Esme sighed, simply. She guided her to a seat and brought out an empty plate with a flourish and set it in front of her. “Just take whatever you like. Besides, I like being in the kitchen,” she winked.

Bella felt her heart flutter. “Thank you, Esme,” she blushed, looking down at the table. She looked around as she avoided Esme’s kind gaze, taking in the kitchen. She felt a familiar stress overwhelm her and her heart thumped again. She sucked in a breath of air and filled her plate with some pasta and salad as Esme placed a glass of orange juice in front of her.

Esme studied her silently. “Are you okay, Bella?” she asked, frowning slightly.

“Oh, yeah,” Bella nodded, giving her chest the briefest rub as she leaned over to grab a fork. “Are Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper about?”

“Emmett and Rosalie are out,” Esme replied shortly. “Jasper is upstairs reading.”

“Oh,” Bella acknowledged, reading between the lines. She swallowed down the feeling in her gut as she was afraid that Jasper would be near. She couldn’t avoid him forever.

At that precise moment, Jasper walked through the open space into the kitchen.

“Hello,” he nodded at Bella.

“Hi Jasper,” she greeted him. “How come you’re not hunting with the others?”

“I think I’ll sit out on another hunting trip with Edward and his persistent worrying about you,” he teased. Bella pursed her lips, as she moved the food on her plate round it. “Oh, by the way,” Jasper piped up, causing her and Esme to look at him, “Edward and Alice are coming back later. Alice said they’re almost done.”

“So, you mean Edward is getting on her nerves,” Esme corrected, smirking.

“Bingo,” Jasper chuckled.

Bella pushed her plate away from her and picked up her glass of juice to give her hands something to do. She felt a random feeling of warmth envelope her and she glanced at Jasper, the frown not reaching her feelings. She saw a slight smile tug at the corner of his mouth, and she knew he felt her confused emotions at the news that her fiancé would be joining her soon. It was a guaranteed night that the nightmares wouldn’t haunt her sleep but the hand that had the grip around her heart was threatening to squeeze at any moment. Even Edward couldn’t take that away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! It'll be great to hear your thoughts as the story moves forward - a lot happens!

“Hey,” a soft voice murmured in her ear, as arms came around her frame from behind.

Esme smiled as Carlisle’s scent filled her nose and her body was pressed against his chest.

“You’re back,” she commented happily.

She could feel him nodding into her caramel curls, then placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.

“How long has she been asleep?” Carlisle asked, referring to Bella who was dozing on the couch.

“About two hours now,” Esme sighed, turning around to face her husband. She looked at her immaculate kitchen and bit her lip. “Honestly, she didn’t eat much. I think more got pushed around her plate than that that was put into her mouth.”

Carlisle brought his hand up to cup her cheek, pressing his lip together with a soft frown on his face. “We’ve only been back 3 months. I just don’t think she recovered like she thought she would.”

“Do you think she’s okay?” Esme piped up after a moment of silence.

Carlisle raised his eyebrows, bringing his hand to rest on her shoulder. “She needs more time. She could be healthier, but I don’t think she’d let me near her to help her.”

“Of course, she would!” Esme disagreed.

“Esme, darling,” he laughed gently, “it’s Bella. She would sooner shoot herself in the foot than willingly participate in a medical examination.”

Esme blew into one of her cheeks, puffing it out in exasperation. “She’s not the same, Carlisle.” She looked in the direction of where Bella was snoozing. “She loves us, of that I’m absolutely sure. But she’s been hurt by the people she loves.” She looked down, the shadow of a ghost evident on her features for the briefest moment. “Pain like that just doesn’t go away.”

Carlisle’s expression went dark. He pulled his wife into his embrace, running his fingers through her curls. He understood what she meant.

Bella shifted in her sleep. She flopped from her upright position onto her side with her arm underneath her at an awkward angle. She started to snore softly as she slept on, her eyelids fluttering as she dreamed.

Edward grimaced, looking to his side at Alice as they ran through the forest. Her lips were pursed in a tight line and he noticed her scowl get deeper as she noticed him look at her.

“I’m sorry, Alice!” he apologised in exasperation. “It was an accident.”

“You’re a vampire,” she shot back. “That was no accident. You’re just an idiot.”

“It’s a bit of blood!” he argued. “Besides, you never wear the same thing twice!”

“That’s not the point,” she bit back. She pointed down at her blouse which had more than _a bit of blood_ down it. “You got more of that mountain lion’s blood over me than you did down your throat.”

“Okay, I don’t think wringing my neck will make this any better,” he retorted in response to her venomous thoughts towards him.

“Maybe not,” she reasoned, “but it’d make me feel better.” She frowned at him. “You owe me a shopping trip.”

That made Edward come to a halt with horror crossing his features. “For one blouse? You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’m dead serious,” Alice threw behind her.

Edward swallowed, running forward again, regretting his lapse in concentration and biting down wrong on the neck of his prey, causing the blood to shoot up in the air and hit Alice bullseye on her front. He knew that it wasn’t all about the blouse.

Jasper wandered into the kitchen and stopped as he sensed the tense atmosphere surrounding his adoptive parents. They turned and gave him a welcoming smile.

“Hello, Jasper,” Carlisle greeted.

He nodded in return. “Alice and Edward aren’t far off. She’s really angry for some reason – I can feel it from here.”

“I wonder what Edward did,” Esme mused. She paused. “What’s that odd noise?”

Carlisle frowned, looking at his wife. He focused and his eyebrows raised. He stepped forward, passing Jasper and made his way into the wide-open living room and considered Bella. She was sleeping at a strange angle but otherwise seemed fine. There was definitely something off with her, but he couldn’t place his finger on it. His head then shot up as he heard distinct bickering getting louder as two of his children neared the house.

Jasper shot to Alice’s side once she reached the driveway of the house and immediately took her face into his hands and kissed her firmly on the lips in greeting. Edward quickly walked on past them and greeted Esme on his way in.

“Hold on a second,” she stopped him. “What’s all the arguing that we could hear a mile away?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Edward waved it away. “It’s just Alice obsessing over her wardrobe, as usual.” He made his way forward to where he sensed Bella to be.

Esme watched him leave and turned around to see Alice walking through the door with Jasper close behind. Her eyebrows shot up when she noticed the huge splatter of blood gracing her blouse.

“Don’t ask, Esme,” she said, pursing her lips. “Just know that your son is a complete idiot.”

“We already knew that,” a loud voice boomed before the owner of the voice entered the room with his blonde bombshell of a wife in tow.

“Emmett,” Esme warned.

Rosalie held back her smile, but it threatened to present itself at the corners of her mouth.

Carlisle ignored the chatter going on behind him and continued to study Bella. He was able to put his finger on it. The sound of the blood pumping through her heart was exactly the same as an animal that knew it was being hunted and was going to die by any of his family’s hand. He suspected it was a disruption of her heart’s normal pumping function, but he couldn’t be sure, nor could he think of why.

Edward walked in, interrupting Carlisle’s thoughts. “Hello, Carlisle,” he greeted, coming to a stop at his side. He looked down at sleeping Bella and smiled then looked back up at Carlisle. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing,” Carlisle waved it off. “How was your hunt?”

Edward grimaced. “I owe Alice a shopping trip.”

Carlisle raised his eyebrows at that.

“What did you do to deserve that?” Bella’s voice jumped in the conversation. She sat up and winced as she tried to shake the stiffness out of her shoulder, a shooting pain going through her collarbone. She let out an involuntary ‘ow’ and sat back.

Carlisle sat at her side and helped Bella straighten her collarbone out, pulling her arm back into the right position, rubbing gently at her shoulder to help her out. Bella smiled gratefully, a blush rising in her cheeks.

“I got blood over her top,” Edward answered, sitting at her other side, taking her hand in his. He brushed his fingers through her hair. “How did you sleep?”

“Apparently, uncomfortably,” she replied. “I must have fallen in my sleep.”

“How’s that now?” Carlisle asked her.

She rolled her shoulder a few times. “A little sore, but it’s better, thank you, Carlisle.” She smiled and looked up as Alice danced into the room with Jasper.

“Bella,” she sang as she came forward, flinging her arms around her gently.

“Hi, Alice,” she laughed. “Oh my God!” Bella’s eyes widened. “Your shirt!”

“Oh, I need to change,” Alice piped up as if she’d forgotten. She thumbed at Edward. “His fault. You’d think he was a newborn with how he fed today.” She rolled her eyes.

“I apologised!” he said exasperatedly.

“That doesn’t clean my blouse, buddy,” she countered.

“You two,” Esme said sternly.

Alice turned to Bella. “I hope you’ll keep that idiot in check when you’re married.”

Bella looked at Edward in amusement. She got up, murmuring that she was going to use the bathroom. She walked slowly upstairs, her breaths coming in short gasps. She reached the top and turned down the corridor to the bathroom. She clutched at her chest which felt tighter than ever. True, her sleep wasn’t interrupted by the usual nightmares. Being around her vampire family kept them away. But the pain was always on her mind… and in her heart.

The thump that sounded through the house caused seven heads to turn in the direction of the stairs that Bella just went up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! It'll be great to hear your thoughts as the story moves forward - a lot happens!

Charlie’s knuckles were white as his hands clasped tightly around the steering wheel of his cruiser. It was only through his many years in the police force that in stressful situations he didn’t crash while on the road. However, it’s different when it’s about your child. The frown present on his brow hadn’t left in all the ten months that had gone by. It was understandable. He was forced to watch his daughter crumble and turn to dust before his eyes, the heartbreak she felt evident in her eyes as the light in them was so cruelly snuffed out. Then _he_ came back and the light that came back in her eyes was never quite the same.

It wasn’t what he had expected. He was excited to have his daughter back when she moved to Forks to live with him when her mother, Renee, went on the road with her husband, Phil. They fell into a routine and the house felt warmer with her in it. At first, he was a little taken aback when she took over the house chores and the cooking, but she insisted. He hadn’t a clue what her life in Phoenix had been like living with her mother, but it was clear to him that she took on the role as carer. Bella had no idea that he took notice of the things she did. She did such things to grab hold of any kind of control she could. He stopped protesting that she took on these things in their home alongside her part time job and school because she was a stubborn girl.

He pulled up and sighed. He never wanted to be the parent to take her choices away from her. That happened to her when she was taken from Forks to live with her mother. He let her go. He regretted that for many years. Despite his best intentions to always do right by her, everything had screamed in him to keep her from further pain. But she claimed to love him and the Cullen family. And he didn’t want to be the reason to cause her pain, so he didn’t resist. He sat back and inhaled. He stared at the entrance in front of him and he gulped down the tears that threatened to come. This was the second day. He knew heartache. He just wished that Bella never knew it because it never really goes away. He got out of his vehicle and made his way into the hospital.

Edward slid Bella’s engagement ring round and round his index finger as he paced back and forth. The beeping from machines, different heartbeats and the pumping of blood loud in his ears wasn’t helping his anxiety. The smell of blood was strong in the air, but he was only vaguely aware that he barely noticed it. He looked up as a nurse rushed out of the double doors in front of him. He caught sight of Carlisle just inside the room with only one other doctor in there. He came forward, his impatience getting the best of him but a hand at his arm stopped him.

“He’ll be with you in three minutes, Edward,” Alice informed him.

Edward let out an unnecessary breath of air and looked up at the ceiling. He looked like he was crying, only there were no tears to shed. Alice pressed her lips together and looked into his face which mirrored his. She pulled him over to the pair of chairs out of the way of the door and sat down, crossing her legs one over the other.

“He’s doing a coronary angiogram,” Edward said blankly. “He’s ruling out a heart attack.”

“Oh, so that’s what that odd smell is,” Alice mused.

Edward nodded. “The dye injected into the blood vessels of the heart is visible by the X-ray machine which will take a series of images, or angiograms, to allow doctors to look inside the blood vessels.”

Alice looked at him impressed. “It appears medical school paid off for you.”

“No, being in Carlisle’s head is like being in medical school every day,” Edward replied.

She observed him for a moment but couldn’t contain herself any longer. “Edward, I’m so sorry.”

He sighed. “I know. You couldn’t have seen this, Alice.” He looked at her. “I have to think about _anything_ else. I can’t… lose her.”

Before Alice could reply, a pair of arms came out of nowhere and pushed Edward into a tight embrace. Immediately, Edward knew it was Esme. No one else could hold him like she did. She was the only one who had that maternal instinct. The only one with an infinite capacity to love and care for her family.

“How is she?” Charlie’s voice piped up, interrupting the moment.

“Resting,” Carlisle answered as he came through the double doors at that exact moment. “We carried out a coronary angiogram and ruled out a heart attack. We’re running blood tests to investigate the disruption of her heart’s normal pumping function.”

Charlie nodded, rubbing his hand up his jaw and round his neck.

“Do you need to sit down, Charlie?” Carlisle asked, stepping forward.

He shook his head. “No… no. Erm, I’m just, I need to call her mother. Can I see her in a few minutes?”

“Of course, but she’s sleeping right now.”

Alice, Edward and Esme watched Charlie scurry down the corridor, phone already in hand. Then they turned to Carlisle.

“You really have no idea why she collapsed like that, do you?” Edward asked.

“No but I have my suspicions,” Carlisle replied. He placed his hand on Edward’s shoulder. “Ruling things out is a good thing, son. Not all illnesses are visible. I suspect this has been building up for a while.”

Edward gritted his teeth as he stared longingly at the door which was all that stood between him and Bella.

“Whatever this is, it isn’t your fault,” Esme stated firmly.

“I don’t know, Esme,” Edward said, turning to her. “I figure that I brought death into her life when I walked into it.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! It'll be great to hear your thoughts as we go through each chapter!

Granted, in retrospect it was an odd situation, but she didn’t think twice about it. It was funny, really. She never thought twice about anything. She looked around her at the fresh green grass, the towering trees and the sunlight blinding the wildlife. The birds whistled as the breeze rustled the leaves, spreading the delicate scent of the wild flowers in the meadow. She felt a cool hand brush against her own, making her jump as she looked down and smiled at the familiar hand upon her own.

“Gran,” she laughed, jumping up and placing a kiss on her delicate skin at her cheek.

“Oh, Bel,” her Gran replied affectionately, patting Bella’s cheek as she sat down opposite her. “How is my beautiful girl?”

Almost like she was on autopilot, Bella reached for one of the teapots in the middle of the little circular table that stood between them and poured her Gran an herbal tea. “I don’t know,” she murmured, vaguely aware of an annoying buzzing noise in her ear. She looked down at her mug, the gorgeous scent of mint hot chocolate filling her nostrils. She swept up some whipped cream that sat on the top of her beverage with chocolate shavings on the top onto her index finger and licked it off. She looked at her Gran, only to find her observing her quietly over her tea. “Forks has been…different to how I imagined it would be, after being with mom for so long.”

“What’s been on your mind?” Gran asked, a familiar twinkle in her eye. It was that twinkle that got everyone close to her to open up, whether they wanted to or not.

Bella rolled her eyes. “It’s nothing, Gran,” she said, waving it away. “I just… worry about dad. I don’t want him to be lonely.”

“He has you, Bel,” Gran pointed out. “Why would he be lonely?”

“Edward,” Bella swallowed, looking down at the table.

Gran frowned, reaching over and squeezing Bella’s fingers. Bella looked up into her Gran’s deep chocolate brown eyes. A perfect reflection of her own eyes.

“I’m afraid of when I’m gone,” she expressed, batting back the tears she felt were rising within her.

“And Edward?” Gran challenged, sitting back against the chair, her head cocked to one side.

“What if… I make a life with Edward,” Bella started, “and I’m not around anymore. Charlie will be gone. His life would be lonely. The house would be empty again, just like the first time.” Bella swept up more whipped cream on her finger, licked it off and sighed. “When he… left,” she continued, her voice breaking, “I didn’t cope well. It was like the house was empty again for Charlie. And it hurt him.”

“It’s okay to grieve, Bel,” Gran told her. “Grief isn’t just about death. Death comes in all forms. When people leave our lives, either through death or just circumstance, it’s a loss. We grieve a loss of people or things that we cared about.” She leant across the table once again, cupping Bella’s hands that clasped her warm mug. “It’s not easy to heal a broken heart.”

Bella blinked. “How do you,” she started.

“Bel, please,” Gran chided, wagging her finger at her. “You think I don’t watch over you?”

“Watch over me?” Bella repeated her words, frowning in confusion.

“Peace lives in everything we hold dear,” Gran said, gently, getting up and walking around to Bella’s side. “Death sounds final, but it isn’t.” She took her granddaughter’s hands in her own and pulled her up onto her feet. “Why else would we meet here?”

Bella cocked her head to one side, confused. “Edward’s meadow?”

“Look around, Bel,” Gran ordered.

Bella glanced around them, the buzzing in her ear at an annoying volume. Then she spotted where they stood. On top of a grave. Her gran’s grave. She’s been here so many times. But why was her grave in her meadow?

“Bella?”

Bella inhaled sharply when she looked into a pair of golden eyes. She blinked a few times, suddenly aware that she was awake. The annoying beeping was loud. She looked around, wincing when she felt something pulling at her arm. She looked down and grimaced at the needle under her skin. She felt her heart skip a beat when she realised, she was lying in a hospital bed.

“It’s okay, Bella,” Edward assured her, his hand cupping her jaw. “Just rest. You collapsed in the bathroom. Carlisle’s been running tests.”

“What,” Bella began, her voice weak. She cleared her throat and tried again, attempting to sit up as she became aware that yet again, she was having difficulty breathing. “What is he testing for?”

Edward recognised the determined look on her face, the need to know. “Heart attack,” he replied shortly.

Bella frowned, letting her head fall back. That’s when a cough came over her and she coughed and coughed. Edward jumped up immediately, helping her to sit up, bringing forward a glass of water. She brought the hand up that wasn’t held back by a tube and gulped back the water.

“How could I possibly have had a heart attack?” she asked in exasperation and upset, her breathing a little easier now she was sat up.

“It can happen to anyone,” Edward replied, taking her hand firmly in his, as he sat at her side on the bed. “You’ll be okay.” His head turned towards the door and he stood up swiftly. “I’ll be back in a minute, Bella.”

Bella watched as her fiancé disappeared through to the door and caught a sight of Carlisle before the door shut behind him. She was aware of muffled voices and the annoying beeping going on behind her. She was also aware of the tightness in her chest and she started to fidget. She wanted to get out of this bed. She coughed again, a nasty taste following the violent action. She didn’t notice the door suddenly open as she was overcome with the coughing.

“Bella,” Carlisle’s voice rang in her ears. She felt a cool hand against her skin as the coughs slowed and she collapsed against her pillows.

Carlisle whipped his stethoscope from around his neck and put it against her chest. Of course, she knew that this was for show. He listened for the briefest moment as she breathed, then he turned, walking out of the room. She looked up at Edward. His jaw was tight, and his eyes were worried. He came forward, his fingers ghosting over her lips.

“Carlisle,” he called. He knew his father would hear him.

Before she could open her mouth to say anything, a tissue appeared out of nowhere and she coughed into it. As she pulled it away from her mouth, she saw the concern on Carlisle’s face. Her lips were blue. He rushed over, looking down at the tissue in her hand. Among the frothy sputum was the faintest sight of blood.

“Bella,” he said gently. “We’ve determined that you haven’t suffered a heart attack, but I must let you know that I’ve ordered for you to have a chest x-ray shortly. And I’m really sorry. I will need to take some blood from your wrist.” Bella’s eyes widened. “I need the artery there,” he explained. “I need to check for a diagnosis. You’ll be okay.” He rubbed her shoulder and gestured at the water. “Please, drink.”

Bella gulped back more water, then looked at Edward who was starting to wear away the carpet under his feet with his worried pacing. “I need to get out of this bed,” she stated, making a move to get up. She lost her breath as she moved, then she felt Edward’s cool hands clasping her shoulders, gently pushing her back down.

“I understand you’re anxious,” he reasoned, “but you need to stay in bed.” He looked up. “The doctors are coming to take you in for x-ray. I’ll be right outside.” He leant over her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. He put his lips at her ear and whispered, “I have your engagement ring for when you come out.” Bella pressed her lips together, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

“I love you,” she murmured, as the doctors burst in to take her down the corridor.

Little did any of them know that a broken heart leaves scars that not even a vampire can see.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! It'll be great to hear your thoughts as we go through each chapter!

Emmett stood in the waiting room with Alice and Esme. All three of them felt numb. It wasn’t usual for any of them to be in the hospital. After all, what business would a vampire have in a hospital? Jasper didn’t go near such places. They all sympathised because he struggled the most with their ‘vegetarian’ diet, so with regret, he wasn’t present among his family. Rosalie, however, was another story. She chose not to be there. Even as a newborn, she possessed great restraint against the bloodlust, but she had no interest in being in a place that highlighted the humanity she lacked. The Cullens understood that it hurt her, to be reminded that she wasn’t human, the one thing she missed the most. Emmett, Alice and Esme weren’t perfect. They have slipped up in the past, made mistakes. But the love they shared for Bella and Edward brought them here.

“Do we know what’s wrong with her yet?” Emmett wondered aloud.

“I couldn’t say,” Alice shrugged. “I see possibilities but I’m no doctor.”

“I want to know how long Bella’s been living with this,” Esme sighed, crossing her legs.

“I know that Carlisle has finished the tests he requested,” Alice confirmed.

“I’m not sure that’s going to improve Edward’s mood,” Emmett noted.

“His fiancée’s in hospital,” Esme replied tightly. She looked around the room. “It’s odd to be sat in here.”

Alice and Emmett considered their adoptive mother for a moment. “I suppose that’s true,” Alice agreed. “Hopefully we’ll never need to be again.”

Charlie sat at Bella’s bedside, his hand resting on the top of hers as he watched his daughter sleep. Carlisle had come and gone twice in the past hour. Bella’s bed was propped up so that she wasn’t lying flat, which helped her breathing. She had a face mask over her nose and mouth to help increase the oxygen levels in her blood. This wasn’t the first time Charlie had seen her in this state. It pained him to recall those memories. He did place the blame on Edward. He couldn’t help it. Bella changed after they started going out together. Everyone changes when they’re in love.

Edward watched from outside the room through the window, his brow furrowed. His heart didn’t beat and hasn’t for many, many years, yet he had never felt it more. As he watched Bella lying in that hospital bed with Charlie watching over her as she slept, he had never noticed how vulnerable she really was. It was one thing to know but another to see and it shocked him to realise how easily he could lose her. She was always so strong, more so than he ever gave her credit for. But somehow, it looked like what kept her strong finally broke and this was the result.

“Edward?” Carlisle’s voice coaxed, interrupting his thoughts.

“Carlisle,” Edward acknowledged. “You have the results?”

“I do,” he nodded. “Follow me. I need to let Charlie know.”

As the door opened, Charlie looked up at Doctor Cullen and his son. He frowned, standing up.

“Do you know what’s wrong with my daughter?” Charlie asked.

Charlie’s gruff voice coupled with the movement of two other people woke Bella from her shallow slumber. Her eyes lazily blinked open and she moved to sit herself up straighter. Edward immediately took notice of her wakeful state and moved forward to help her. Charlie’s jaw tensed.

“Are you alright, Bels?” Charlie asked, leaning over to rub her shoulder.

“Yeah, dad,” she replied, moving the face mask away so she could speak.

Carlisle resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He knew that that was exactly what she was going to say.

“Really, Bella?” he insisted. “How are you feeling?”

Bella stared at Carlisle for a moment and sighed. “Breathless,” she admitted. “I’m glad you changed the bed, so I wasn’t flat. I could barely breathe.” Carlisle nodded. “I feel like I’m having heart palpitations, but I just thought that was normal.”

“In some circumstances, it wouldn’t be a concern, but it is for us now,” Carlisle informed her.

At this, Charlie’s full attention was burning into Carlisle’s face. “What did you find in your tests?”

“Now I don’t want to alarm you,” Carlisle started, noting the alarm already present in Edward’s face, having already heard what’s in Carlisle’s mind. “The blood tests came back with low arterial blood gas concentrations so you should feel better with the oxygen mask.” He pointed at the face mask. “Best to put that back on,” he ordered and continued. “However, the blood tests revealed other things, too. First, I should tell you that the chest x-ray revealed that you have pulmonary edema – excess fluid in the lungs. This is why you’re having difficulty breathing. The x-ray also presented us with further explanation for your collapse. The left ventricle of your heart, one of the heart’s chambers, appears to be larger than it should and has changed shape from what we would expect from a healthy heart. This means that this part of your heart isn’t pumping blood to the rest of the body as well as it should. The blood tests confirmed our suspicions of what is ailing you.” Carlisle glanced Edward’s way so quickly that only vampire eyes could have detected it. “The official diagnosis is induced-stress cardiomyopathy, or in laymen’s terms, broken heart syndrome.”

“What does this mean for Bella?” Charlie asked, as he noticed Bella’s blank look as she was taking in the information.

“We already determined that Bella didn’t suffer a heart attack,” Carlisle reminded them. “However, broken heart syndrome is different because there are no blockages in the arteries, though blood flow may be reduced in the arteries of the heart. The good news is that you can recover if we start treatment immediately. The complication of broken heart syndrome is hypotension, or low blood pressure, heartbeat disruption or in the worst case, heart failure. For you, a backup of fluid into the lungs is what we need to treat.”

“So, what is the treatment?” Charlie demanded, the anxiety plain on his face.

Edward absentmindedly squeezed Bella’s hand as he rubbed her arm. There was only one thing on his mind, and he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge it yet. It struck him as ironic that the most prominent thing he felt was his heart.

“First, oxygen,” Carlisle answered, gesturing at Bella’s face mask. At this, everyone noted the pained expression on Bella’s face. “I’m sorry, but yes, you will need to stay with us for a few more weeks.” Bella’s eyes widened in panic. Edward’s arm slipped around her and squeezed her gently to him as he whispered in her ear. “We shall have you on diuretics to decrease the pressure you’re undoubtedly feeling caused by the excess fluid in your heart and lungs and in the short term, a narcotic to relieve your shortness of breath and the anxiety. We’ll be keeping an eye out on your blood pressure but I’m thinking it may be appropriate to have you on nitroprusside, an afterload reducer, to dilate your blood vessels and take a pressure load off your heart’s left ventricle.” Carlisle pressed his lips together in sympathy as he observed his patient. “Don’t worry, Bella. You’ll be out of here soon enough. I’ll be back with treatment shortly.”

As Carlisle turned to the door, Charlie jumped forward to stop him.

“Carlisle, tell me,” he urged, keeping his voice low. “What caused this?”

Carlisle raised his eyebrows slightly. “It’s not really clear. Many assume a broken heart but medically, it’s more than that. I can tell you that the likely cause is stress. The hormones, such as adrenaline, can temporarily damage the hearts of some people. Intense physical or emotional events can trigger broken heart syndrome…” Carlisle paused. “But in Bella’s case, I really couldn’t tell you what caused it.”

Charlie frowned, glancing back at Bella and Edward.

“We can’t cast blame, Charlie,” Carlisle murmured, patting him on the shoulder as he left.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! It'll be great to hear your thoughts as we go through each chapter!

Emmett ran through the forest, the trees moving past him in a blur. He had picked up her scent as soon as he reached the house and followed it out of the back and into the thick of the foliage. He hadn’t heard from Rosalie in a few days since Bella first went into the hospital. No one expected to hear from Rosalie and to their shame, they hadn’t thought to check on her either. The vulnerable one in the family was Bella and that’s all they could focus on. But underneath the impenetrable skin and frozen heart, the fragile humanity lingered, and Rosalie carried that burden the hardest.

Suddenly Emmett found himself coming to a halt where her scent had stopped. A flash of gold caught his eye from up in the trees and without hesitation, he took a leap and bounded through the branches until he was face to face with his wife. He took a seat next to her silently, letting his legs swing from the branch as Rosalie’s did, sliding an arm around her waist, allowing her to lean into his strong embrace, resting her head on his shoulder.

After a while, time stopped meaning anything to the Cullens. They had no luxury such as sleep. They lived one endless day. There were those days when a new member would join their family, change would occur, their family dynamics would shift ever so slightly and then time would stop again. Yet after centuries together, no one day felt different otherwise. Time wasn’t something they felt, like a human would because as Rosalie had pointed out so many times, they were frozen. Never moving forward. It’s what she missed the most, the possibilities. While watching over Bella in the hospital, Emmett was reminded of this very fact and without a word, he disappeared to find his wife.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,” Emmett murmured, lacing his fingers through hers.

Rosalie didn’t reply for a moment as she felt the resentment simmer through her. She swallowed the bitter taste of anger that she knew was just bubbling below the surface as her whole family, including her husband, hovered over Bella as she lay in the hospital.

“I know why you didn’t,” Rosalie acknowledged quietly. She sighed, taking in the sight of the greenery, yet still not quite seeing it through her golden eyes. “I just couldn’t be there.” She didn’t elaborate. She didn’t need to.

“We know,” Emmett replied, squeezing her hand gently.

“How is she?” Rosalie asked.

Emmett’s eyebrows raised ever so slightly in surprise at her apparent interest.

“She’s been better,” he answered, letting out a large gust of air. “She sleeps a lot. Honestly, she didn’t respond to treatment very well at first and she’s really weak.” He paused for a moment. “To quote Carlisle: she had a raised pressure in the pulmonary artery, and it caused problems in the right ventricle of her heart. I can’t say any of us understood any of that drivel, but Edward said that it just meant her heart is weak. She’s now on medication for blood pressure to relieve the stress on her heart. Carlisle is hopeful that she’ll make a full recovery.”

Rosalie listened to Emmett’s update silently, a frown present between her eyebrows.

“She wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for being involved in our family,” she murmured quietly, but Emmett’s eager hearing picked up every word.

Emmett looked down at Rosalie and pressed his lips together. They have had many arguments before regarding Bella. Usually Emmett tried to pacify her, rather than voice that he had no problem with Bella. He understood why Rosalie was initially so angry, then resentful and of course, bitter about having Bella around and involved so fiercely with Edward but he knew there were just some things that she couldn’t let go. But neither could Bella.

“You’re right,” Emmett agreed, much to Rosalie’s surprise.

She leaned back and looked into his eyes. She could see that he genuinely agreed with her.

“Why are you so shocked?” he asked with a frown.

“You agree with me on this,” she stated the obvious.

“Well, if she hadn’t have fallen in love with Edward and by extension, our family,” he explained, “she wouldn’t have had her heart broken and felt the full force of what it means to be human.” He pressed his lips together again and cupped Rosalie’s face with his hand. “But someone else could have broken her heart. Something else could have put her in a state of depression. She could have gone through anything that any of us did.” He sighed and leaned forward to press his lips against Rosalie’s gently. “This isn’t because she knew us.”

“The difference is,” Rosalie argued, “if she died, she’d move on. We can’t. And now, neither can she.”

“You forget that heartbreak very nearly killed Edward, too,” he reminded her. “We’re capable of having our hearts broken.” He rested his hand above her heart and leaned forward. “It means it still works.”

If she was capable, Rosalie knew tears would have fallen from her eyes. Emmett was the only person who ever loved her, even when she hated herself the most. She fell into his embrace as he held her close. It was the only safe haven she had, and it made her feel selfish. It was the only thing in this world that had ever made her feel so. She forced the life she detested onto the man she loved the most, yet he idolised her no matter what. He’d embraced his new life. She thanked whoever looked down on her for giving these moments between them to her, for reminding her that her even vampires had humanity underneath it all. It’s what she had to hang onto.

“You’re all I ever needed, Rose,” he told her.

She smiled into his jacket, inhaling his sweet scent. She knew that this was true of Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Jasper, and now, Edward and Bella.

Edward sat at Bella’s bedside, her hand clasped in his carefully. He no longer heard the heart monitor that stood behind her bed to the side, or the foot traffic that went on beyond the door to her room. Honestly, he didn’t even smell the blood that tainted the hospital anymore. All he was aware of was her. The motion of her eyes while she slept indicated that she was in a deep sleep, dreaming.

“Oh, Bel,” Gran sighed, holding out her hand for her granddaughter to take.

Bella frowned, placing her hand in her Gran’s without thinking twice about it.

“What is it, Gran?” she wondered, following her Gran as she pulled her forward with her. She looked around her and found that they were in the meadow, where the sun was shining down particularly brightly.

“I wasn’t supposed to see you again so soon,” she replied, wagging her finger at her.

“Why not?” Bella asked, sadness passing over her face. “I like it here.”

“I know, dear,” she sighed, stopping in her tracks. She looked up at Bella through her chocolate brown eyes that reflected Bella’s perfectly and she considered her thoughtfully. “You’re not ready yet.”

“For what?” Bella questioned, looking worryingly at her Gran, whose face appeared to mirror her own.

Edward had been sitting motionlessly with his eyes closed for a long period of time. He stopped believing in a deity a long, long time ago. He didn’t think anyone had had his back, right from the beginning of his life. His human memories were fuzzy now. Every moment of his vampire life was crystal clear, and it was tainted red. It brought him no joy to reflect on his time on this Earth before Bella entered his life. His heart still carried the scar of losing his parents, one after another and then losing his own life. He could never forget that he lost the time to do what he wanted to in life before the influenza struck his family. Then the hunger took hold of him when he turned. His gift, or curse depending on which way he looked at it, was hardly a blessing. He couldn’t survive as a nomad and it made it so much harder when he tried to live up to Carlisle. To live everyday hearing everyone else’s hopes and dreams and never being able to fulfil his own hurt him deeply. As he sat at his fiancées bedside, he couldn’t help but feel he was having another thing that he cared about dearly being taken from him again.

That’s when his eyes shot open in shock.

The door opened and Carlisle walked in. He simply walked over to the machines to check on everything like he usually did then paused as he took in Edward’s expression.

“Son, what is it?” he asked in concern.

“I can hear her,” he whispered, the shock evident in his voice.

“What do you mean?” Carlisle wondered, looking between the slumbering Bella and his son.

“Her thoughts,” he murmured, his eyes flashing in worry up at him. “They’re not clear, but I’m having snippets of thoughts. Everyone sounds different. No two people sound the same. I couldn’t miss it. It’s like I’m getting images of what she’s seeing in her dreams. The odd thing she’s thinking about.” He looked up at Carlisle. “Is she dying? Tell me, please.”

Carlisle sighed. “I could never lie to you. With any illness, there’s always a chance that someone could succumb to their illness, but the likelihood of survival is so much higher these days than before.” He looked at Bella for a moment. “She’s strong, Edward. She always has been. She’s just weak right now and that might be why you’re hearing her thoughts. Her guard is down.” He paused for a moment and mumbled to himself, “I do wonder how that works.” He put his hand on Edward’s shoulder. “Recovery is never immediate. It’ll just take time.”

The problem was that Bella had had a lot of time and time was what had almost killed her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated!

The familiar scent of freesias, fresh air and the sweetness of honey filled Carlisle’s nostrils as he left his office and down the same corridor that led to Bella’s ward. He knew his wife was nearby and he caught the sight of sunlight bouncing off caramel coloured curls. He quickly caught up to where Esme stood, looking out of the window. He absentmindedly observed the clouds that hung over them in the sky, noticing the rays that weren’t obvious to the human eye peeking through. For the briefest moment, he noted the expressionless look on her face, as she was lost in thought. It was only when he cupped her shoulders with his hands that she silently leant into him. They didn’t need words to share the worries, concerns and stress that enveloped them. As soon as their eyes met the first time, it was like they shared one heart.

Bella blinked slowly as she came out of the depths of sleep. She reached up to rub her eyes, but something pulled on hand. She looked down annoyed, only to find a needle there with a nauseating tube disappearing behind her. She felt herself pale and instinctively made to pull the plaster off that kept it there. She scratched at the edges and slowly peeled it back to prevent the inevitable plaster burn that always followed. Right as she got that plaster off, she held her breath and paused before getting ready to pull the needle out.

A tiny hand shot out and placed a fresh plaster over the needle on her hand. In shock, Bella looked up to see a disapproving Alice shaking her head at her.

“Honestly, Bella,” she sang. “We can’t leave you alone for two minutes.” She hopped up onto the bed and curled her legs up behind her. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” she conceded, falling back against her pillows. Her eyes looked around the otherwise empty room. “Where’s Edward?” she frowned.

“He’s taking a walk,” she chirped.

Bella raised her eyebrows. “Edward’s taking a walk,” she repeated, narrowing her eyes slightly.

“Yes,” Alice nodded entirely sincerely. “We have restraint, but hospitals are…intense when you have such a strong sense of smell.”

“Of course,” Bella sighed, closing her eyes. She felt Alice’s fingers in her hair, brushing the long dark waves away from her face. She peered through her lashes at Alice. “How’s Jasper?”

“He wishes you well, like all of us do,” she replied. “He can’t be near hospitals, obviously. It’s just harder for him. We hope you understand.”

“Don’t be silly, Alice,” Bella said quietly, “always.”

The door to the room was opened and Bella’s eyes shot open to see Carlisle walking in with a stack of papers under his arm. She was immediately transported back to the first time she saw him in the ER after she was almost crushed by the van in the school carpark. He walked in the exact same way, looking like he’d just come off a runway.

“Bella,” he said gently, running his fingers over everything that stood behind her, taking in all the information he needed in order to assess how she was. “How are you?”

“Fine,” she responded automatically. She glanced at his face, seeing the disapproval in his golden eyes and answered again. “Tired. Weak.”

“That’s to be expected,” he nodded. “Can I get you anything?”

“I can’t reach my water,” Bella pointed weakly. “Do you mind?”

Carlisle passed her the water, warning her to be careful with the tubes that delivered her medications intravenously to help with her blood pressure and those from the oxygen prongs under her nose. Alice exchanged a look with Carlisle, and he nodded. She got up silently, squeezing the top of Bella’s arm gently as she twirled around and left the room.

Carlisle pulled up a chair next to her bedside and sat down, biting his lip uncertainly. Bella coughed and drank some more before she fell back against her pillows again, spent. He leant forward and took the glass from her, placing it on the bedside table. She looked at him, the question in her eyes.

“Look, Bella,” he started, “I wished to talk to you when Edward wasn’t here.”

“Why?” she croaked, the worry causing her to feel the rush of hormones circulate through her as her heart skipped a beat and another.

He rested his hand on top of Bella’s needle free one and squeezed her fingers. “Calm down, Bella,” he ordered. “There’s no need to worry. I just have to ask you something.” He paused with a sigh. Bella frowned at the unnecessary action. “There are numerous causes of pulmonary edema, one of which is broken heart syndrome. But it had me thinking about another: a near drowning.” He heard the telling intake of breath from Bella and continued. “Alice told us about the cliff diving incident and that Jacob Black had to perform CPR to get you breathing again. Recreational or not, the incident left a trauma on your lungs that the scans picked up on. It’s true that anyone can fall victim to an illness, but this hasn’t helped your case.” Bella brushed back some hair from her face – an action that she did often when she felt nervous or uncomfortable. “Bella, I’m concerned about your wellbeing.”

“Carlisle, I’m okay,” she protested, feeling stupid considering she was lying in a hospital bed because of both physical and emotional traumas.

“We both know that regardless what you say, you’re anything but okay,” he said firmly, pointedly looking at the hospital room. “But despite that, I know we never talked about it. What was going through your mind when you were on that cliff?”

“Carlisle,” she swallowed, “I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“I know,” he acknowledged, “but it will unburden you.”

“You think I’m burdened by this?”

“You tell me,” he said, sitting back against the chair.

Bella made to open her mouth and found that she couldn’t. She looked at Carlisle and found him patiently watching her. She felt the anxiety beating in her and she fidgeted where she lay. However, she knew that she had nowhere to run. She never did. The silence was deafening. Carlisle made no move to say anymore. She knew that the next person to speak would have to be her. After all, what more could he say? Carlisle knew the power of silence. People always wanted to talk. It’s just the fear that kept them from doing so.

She attempted to sit up further against her pillows and struggled. Silently, Carlisle leant forward to help her and once she sat more comfortably, she realised that there was nothing more to distract her from the silence. She glanced Carlisle’s way and found him watching her, no evidence of awkwardness overwhelming him. People didn’t do well with silence. It unnerved them. But there are some cases when silence was the perfect tool.

She took in a deep breath. “I just wanted it to stop,” she said in a hushed whisper.

“What to stop?” Carlisle questioned patiently.

“The pain,” she murmured. “It wasn’t going away. It hurt. It hurt to breathe.” She looked up, taking in a breath as she forbade the tears from falling. “I didn’t know how to bring him back. It was the only way I could do it.”

“I don’t understand,” Carlisle frowned, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees.

“Whenever I was in danger, I saw Edward,” she admitted. “I don’t know whether I just lost it, but I saw him, as clear as I see you now.” She looked down into her lap. “But it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”

Carlisle’s hands landed gently on each of hers and she looked up into his face.

“Bella,” he started, “it’s not about if we’re enough for somebody. It’s if we’re enough for ourselves. We should never seek validation from someone else, even if we love them. You have to love yourself, Bella.” A tear dropped down on top of Carlisle’s hand and he looked down at where it splashed on his skin. He pressed his lips together and reached up to brush the next tear away from her cheek.

“Everyday, all I was aware of was the hole in my chest,” she whispered. “It was killing me. He’d taken a piece of me with him.” She pulled the hand with the needle in it away from under Carlisle’s grasp and rested it over her heart. “I thought it’d be better when you were all back, but it’s there. Everyday.”

Carlisle took in a steady breath, feeling the air go through his lungs. “Did you want to kill yourself?” he asked bluntly.

“No,” she answered honestly, “but I didn’t want to live either.”

“I understand,” he murmured.

“For a moment, when I stepped off that cliff,” she revealed, “I felt weightless. The pain left me for just that split second.”

“When you hit the water, the pain followed,” Esme’s voice cut through the room. Carlisle and Bella turned to the door to see Esme stood in the doorway, her head leaning against the door frame. She walked in and sat on the bed, sliding her arm around Bella’s shoulders. “You have to let it in, but you can’t let pain overwhelm you.” She felt Bella’s head rest on her collarbone as Carlisle’s hands took one of Esme’s and Bella’s hands in each of his.

Carlisle and Esme’s eyes met. They both felt his presence. They looked towards the door to see Edward stood in the doorway, his face forlorn, his lips pressed together, his jaw tight. Bella’s eyes followed them, and her face mirrored his. She gave him a small smile.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated!
> 
> The song used in this chapter is Church by Lawless (feat. Valen). I heard it recently playing on the latest episode of CW's Legacies. It was incredibly emotional and so very well written into the scene. I hope you enjoy this update!

Folding up her blouse neatly, she placed it on the top of her bag full of her things. She sighed, turning to the bathroom that accompanied her hospital room. She eyed her toiletries bag and frowned. Honestly, she had no idea why she always kept her toiletries in a bag. A bag of toiletries didn’t say ‘I belong here’. They said ‘temporary’, until they’re moved again. She supposed, with a heavy heart, that she moved around so much with her mother that her toiletries never quite found a home out on a shelf. She picked up the bag and paused in the doorway. She leant against the doorframe and observed the ensuite. It looked exactly the same as when she first occupied it, with the exception of her toiletries bag, of course. Her habit of keeping everything in a bag remained even when she was at her weakest. It hit her that even at home with Charlie, that bag never remained in the bathroom, always her bedroom, as if she was afraid it would grow roots.

_Getting tired of this heart  
Keeps on beating to somebody before  
Need to stay away from everyone  
Whoever knew me before_

She turned back into her hospital room and walked back to her bed and placed her toiletries bag on top of the pile of clothes sat in her bag. She turned and sat down slowly, falling back on the mattress. It has been three weeks since she was admitted to hospital. She admitted to herself that it wasn’t easy. Carlisle told her yesterday that she was allowed to go home, however he offered to keep an eye on her for a further week away from the hospital. She was surprised to learn that Charlie didn’t protest. Edward hadn’t expressed enthusiasm or insistence on the idea. He merely had this faraway look of concern in his eyes that never went away. Bella found that concern was very different to worry. Concern was a word that described something was wrong, a problem that went beyond simple worry. It was a strong word and she never liked it. It was a word that meant awkward questions, difficult conversations and a watchful eye on you.

_Stood so tall  
Smoke is rising now have you come to watch it burn  
You never wanted it till it’s gone  
And you’re learning how but you never find the words_

It was two weeks ago when the painful conversations started.

_“Bella?” Edward sighed, putting the glass on the bedside cabinet slightly harsher than he intended, making her jump. “Are we really not going to talk about this?”_

_Bella inhaled slowly, looking up at the ceiling in frustration. “I told you I didn’t want to talk about it. Honestly, why do we need to? What’s the point in bringing up painful memories? Memories, Edward. Can’t we just leave them in the past and move on?”_

_“Move on?” he asked in exasperation. He gestured at the bed she was currently occupying. He stood up abruptly. “You call this moving on? Bella, you’re in here because you can’t move on.”_

_“It’s in the past, Edward,” she repeated herself. “I can’t control if I get ill or not.” She looked up at him with a deep frown present on her face. “Why do you keep pestering me about this?”_

_“Because what happened put you in this position,” he pointed out. “After I came back, you never brought it up and you never wanted to discuss it. You would just swot away anyone who would ask how you are.”_

_“No,” Bella replied, unable to keep the simmering anger from boiling over any longer, “you put us in this position!” Edward looked taken aback by her outburst. Bella looked momentarily shocked and quickly recovered. “I don’t want to talk about this because I don’t know how,” she revealed at a quieter volume. “If I talk about it, you just blame yourself and that doesn’t help anybody. I was the one who caught my finger on wrapping paper, I was the one who bled, I was the one who caught Jasper unexpectantly.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It took one second for my world to crumble around me and I didn’t know how to continue as if that didn’t happen.” She leaned across to reach her glass of water and fell short by a few inches, thanks to the tube at her hand pulling back against the needle there. Edward slid the glass towards her, sitting down at her side slowly. “Edward, please,” she begged, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”_

_Edward fell silent, his face thoughtful. For a while, they both sat in silence. A nurse came in to check on Bella and left again. The silence continued until Edward broke it._

_“That first night I said I wasn’t sure if you could ever forgive me,” Edward said._

_“Edward, please,” Bella sighed, rubbing her forehead._

_“Can you?”_

_“What?” Bella threw her arms down into her lap, wincing as the needles and wires pulled in protest at her._

_“Are you able to forgive me?”_

_Bella looked at him. He looked so earnest, and yet, so broken. It was ironic, for someone practically indestructible to look like one word could crumble him to dust._

_“Yes,” she murmured. She looked into her lap, biting her lip. She glanced at Edward whose darkening eyes were focused on her. “But I can’t forgive how much it hurts.”_

_Edward noted that she used the present tense. He didn’t press her any further._

_Muses wrote  
Don’t love me anymore  
Tell me what it’s for  
If every time it hurts_

Bella sat up and reached forward for the bottles of medications that she was to continue taking for the next couple of weeks. She blew air into one of her cheeks and pressed her lips together. She was feeling stronger now. Carlisle was confident that she would make a full recovery, but he emphasised how important self-care would be. He had given her a look that had pressed the point. She knew what his look meant. It hadn’t been the first time he had given it to her. She had to talk about what happened on her 18th birthday and the events after that at some point. She couldn’t keep running from the pain if she had every intention to marry into a family such as the Cullens. She wasn’t fooled by Esme’s visits. Esme, the mother and matriarch of the Cullen family, visited her every other day with food, blankets, clothes (which Bella suspected came from Alice, despite the mountain that Alice had already dropped off after the first couple of days in the hospital) and her company.

Bella was surprised when two days after Carlisle came to speak with her, Esme dropped by on her own when Edward had left to, what other people presumed was, sleep and do whatever else it was humans did. The small talk turned into a conversation about Esme’s human life. Bella felt uncomfortable when Esme talked about her attempt to kill herself, not unlike the cliff that Bella had once stepped off. It stirred up the memory of the pain Bella felt when she was desperate to hear Edward’s voice one more time.

There was a knock on the door, which startled Bella from her reverie. Ironically, it was Esme, with a gentle smile on her face.

“Is your bag ready, dear?” she asked warmly.

“Yeah,” Bella nodded. “That’s everything.” She stood up from the bed. “Oh,” she said turning back to her bedside cabinet. “The medications.”

Esme swept them up and tucked them into the depths of Bella’s bag and zipped it up firmly. She swung it easily onto her shoulder.

“I’ll take these down to the car while you have the release papers signed,” she said.

“Thank you, Esme,” Bella said, coming forward to hug her without thought. Esme smiled, bringing her free arm up to wrap around Bella’s torso.

“I’ll see you downstairs,” she called on her way out.

Bella looked around at the empty room. She turned to the window, feeling the gentle breeze against her skin. She shut the window right as she heard Carlisle walk in. She couldn’t mistake the familiar sound of his footsteps.

“Hi Bella,” he smiled warmly, a clipboard in hand. “You’ll be happy to know that Charlie has already signed the release papers when he came in this morning. I just need you to sign your agreement and you’re free to go with Esme. I’ll be meeting you at home after I’m done here.”

“Excellent,” Bella beamed. “No offence, but I really hold no love for this place.”

Carlisle chuckled. “You’ll be amazed by how much I hear that.” He handed the clipboard over to Bella which she scribbled her signature on and then handed over to him. He squeezed her arm as he left the room.

_There’s always one more burn  
How can I keep going  
When I’ve given all of me  
But you’re always out of reach_

_Takes the heart right out of me_

_Tell me what it’s for  
If you’re always out of reach_

Bella swept up her jacket from the coat stand stood in the corner and went over to the shelves that were situated alongside the same wall. She turned off the radio that had been playing out music as she packed her things. She turned to find Edward leaning against the door frame, his face expressionless. He offered her his hand. She looked between her hand and his face, understanding that it wasn’t an invitation to walk her out. It was an offer of her trust. She walked forward, placing her hand in his. As they vacated the room and walked down the corridors, his arm came up, resting on her shoulders as he guided her away from the room that reminded them both of something they needed to recover from.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! 
> 
> A tease: I have a nod to another of my short stories in this chapter!

Emmett stood with his arms folded across his broad chest, the muscles of his arms even more prominent and intimidating, if that were possible. He heard every strain and effort thrown into the punching bag hanging from the sturdiest tree he could find in the forest. He frowned at the ever-increasing rate of blood rushing through her heart. He stepped forward.

“Bella, you should take it easy,” he warned, resting his hands either side of the bag as she swung her leg up to kick it hard. “Fairly certain we’ve reached a knock out.”

His voice held the same teasing tone it always did but underneath it all, it came from a place of concern. It had been a week since Bella was released from hospital and she’d remained at the Cullen’s ever since, with Charlie making frequent visits. With Carlisle’s encouragement, Bella started an exercise regime to build up her strength and none were more surprised than Emmett when she’d come to him for help.

Bella wiped the sweat from her brow with her wristband, stretching out a kink in her neck. “I’m fine,” she insisted. “Come on, help me.”

“Let’s take a break first,” Emmett suggested, throwing a bottle of water her way which she inevitably dropped. Emmett snorted. “Nice to see your coordination has improved.”

“Ha ha,” she replied flatly, taking a long swig of water. “The student is only as good as her teacher.”

Emmett raised his eyebrows at her. “Well, the student still has a way to go.” He nudged her shoulder teasingly, causing her to roll her eyes. “I’m surprised you wanted to take up kickboxing. I was sceptical when you suggested it. It’s not exactly…” he raised his hands to make little air quotations, “Bella friendly.”

“It’s cardio,” she replied. “It felt as good as any to get stronger. Why do you think I asked you?”

“Fair enough,” he shrugged his big shoulders, smirking. Silence passed between them for a few minutes as Bella took more gulps of water and cooled down. Emmett’s keen ears picked up the thumping of her heart and the gasps of her breath as she rested next to him. “In all seriousness, are you alright?” he asked, looking down at her.

Bella raised her eyebrows. “You, serious?”

“Alright,” he protested, giving her a gentle shove with his elbow. “Go on, tell me.”

“Of course,” she answered, the slightest frown unmissable to Emmett’s eyes. “I’m happy to be out of the hospital.”

“And what about Edward?”

Bella tensed. “He’s…” she sighed, “you know, Edward.”

“Yeah,” Emmett said slowly. “How’s the stress on the heart?”

Bella got up. “Feeling like it needs another round.” Emmett watched as she strode back up to the punch bag with purpose and started to release some more of the stress that had a hold on her.

Carlisle got out of his car, briefcase in hand and strode over the gravel and through the front door of the Cullen home. The smell of cooking invaded his senses and he smiled at the unmistakable scent of freesias, honey and summer mixed into the aroma circulating his house. He followed it through his open plan downstairs into the kitchen where he found Esme following a recipe on some cooking show on the TV. She looked up as he walked through, and a smile spread across her beautiful face.

“You’re back,” she welcomed, smiling against his lips that met hers in greeting.

“I never left,” he murmured in her ear, his right hand in her left, his finger running over the eternity ring that sat above her wedding ring. Those three words never failed to take Esme back to the day he gave her that ring. He looked over her shoulder and chuckled. “Italiano?” he teased, reminding her of the first day she’d met Bella.

“I’ve perfected it now!” Esme defended her choice of meal for Bella. “My cooking has improved since the first time we cooked for her.”

“Darling, your cooking has always been beautiful,” he reassured her. “Bella wouldn’t have you think otherwise.” He paused. “Speaking of which…”

“She’s fine,” Esme cut him off. She raised an eyebrow at the expression on his face. “You ask every time you come in. She’s mending.” She shook her saucepan to move the ingredients about and continued. “Emmett’s upstairs actually just getting changed. They’ve been training together again.”

“Where’s Edward?”

“He’s hunting with Jasper,” she replied, adding a sliver of oil around the pan.

From above them, they heard the water flow in the shower. At that moment, Emmett appeared with fresh clothes on. He threw himself onto a stool at the island where Esme was preparing Bella’s food. It wasn’t the first time Esme thought to herself that he was like a bull in a China shop.

“Speaking of Edward,” Emmett said casually, as if he’d been a part of their conversation all along, “did he ever tell Bella what happened in the hospital?”

Carlisle and Esme glanced at each other and back to Emmett. Then the penny dropped when he shook his head in exasperation when they appeared to play dumb. He meant when Edward was shocked to find that he was able to read her mind when she was unconscious in hospital.

“I don’t think he ever brought it up,” Carlisle answered. “Why?”

“Bella closed right up when I asked how she was now that she’s back home and I mentioned Edward,” he replied. He stood up, glaring at the stool that was neither use or ornament to him. “Also, you should probably talk to her about taking it easy.”

“Thanks, Emmett,” Carlisle acknowledged, patting him on the shoulder on his way out to move his usual things to his office.

Emmett peered into Esme’s frying pan full of various ingredients and he bit down on his lip. “No garlic this time?”

Esme narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t you dare come near this dish or I’ll kick you out,” she warned.

“Oh, come on, Esme,” he laughed. “You can’t still be upset about that?”

“It took Bella two weeks to come back to visit us after that prank!” she retorted.

“Well, turns out we were wrong, and the myth is true,” he reasoned. “Garlic _does_ repel vampires.”

“I think you have that backwards,” she countered. “Garlic breath horrified Bella from coming anywhere near us. I’m afraid some of us have a better poker face than others.”

“Rose didn’t mean to give it away,” Emmett laughed. “In her defence, the garlic was impressively overpowering. I’m surprised you didn’t notice.”

Carlisle pulled a fresh jumper over his head and proceeded to empty his briefcase of things he didn’t need for his following shift at the hospital. His head shot up in shock and he shot to the window, looking down to see Esme dragging Emmett by his ear and shoving him outside. He chuckled to himself. Emmett never learned.

Bella squeezed her hair out and rubbed a towel over it to get rid of the excess water. She dragged a brush through the long locks that fell to her waist and changed into a loose shirt and pair of leggings. She cringed thinking of what Alice would say of her outfit of choice. She walked down the corridor and into Edward’s room, which had become hers as Edward volunteered it as her place of recovery. She threw her towel into the hamper and walked over to the window seat which afforded her the view of the forest behind the house. She knew Alice had played a part in the decoration that went into the room when she started living and sleeping in it. The cushions that lined the bench that was fixed below the window were all perfectly matched to the four-poster bed with the golden bed spread. The cushions were both beautiful and sturdy. She found very quickly that this was her favourite place to sit in the house.

She let her mind wander as she gazed out of the window. Her hand sat in the crook of her neck, her fingers resting at the top of her shoulder, her bent elbow sat on the top of one of the sturdy pillows. This is how Carlisle found her when he walked in.

He picked up her left hand which rested in her lap and placed a penny in it. When she saw what it was, she smiled in amusement. “Penny for your thoughts?” he asked, a smile at the corners of his mouth.

“It’s nothing, really,” she tried to reassure him. “Emmett’s a hard coach.”

“I heard that you’re a hard student,” Carlisle replied, taking a seat next to her. “I’m glad that you took me seriously and you’re working on building up your strength but remember to take it easy.”

Bella frowned, narrowing her eyes at him. “Why? Does Emmett think I’m doing too much?”

“We don’t want you to overdo it,” Carlisle reminded her. He paused, considering her a moment. “What’s going on?”

She peered at him and realised that she had no choice but to give him some sort of explanation.

“It’s Edward,” she sighed. She was unsurprised to see understanding in Carlisle’s golden eyes. “He’s been… different.”

“How so?”

“Since I started recovering and I was feeling stronger, he seems distant,” she explained. “Hesitant.” She looked down at her lap. “He’s keeping something from me.”

Carlisle sat back with a sigh. “Oh, Bella,” he said. “Have you voiced your concerns? I’ve told you that holding on to stress will hinder your recovery. This includes emotional stress.” He looked at her pointedly when she looked up at him.

“How can I ask him?” she wondered. “When he sets his mind on keeping things from me, he will.”

“Stubborn,” Carlisle agreed. “But so are you.”

“It’s not enough, Carlisle,” she voiced her fear.

“You’re afraid to ask,” he deduced.

“It’s not that,” she shook her head. “How can I ask when I don’t have the words?”

“One moment,” Carlisle said, holding up a finger. Before she could react, he had disappeared from his seat at her side and returned in the next second with one hand occupied. She frowned, looking at what he had brought back with him. “Write it down,” he suggested, offering her a journal. “You wouldn’t believe the things that are in this house.”

She took it from him and upon closer inspection saw that it was a green leather-bound journal which she felt suited her. She smiled, thanking him. He handed her an elaborate pen and reminded her to take her meds on his way out. She remained in the window staring at the blank pages in front of her. She’d never done this before. She often wondered why people journaled, writing down their inner most thoughts, their inner secrets in physical form for anyone to find. She took a deep breath and just wrote what came naturally. She reasoned that she could always burn the pages.

 _Dear diary,_ she wrote, _I couldn’t have been more wrong. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it. Pretend that it would all be okay. I had a plan. I wanted to change who I was. Create a life as someone new, someone without the past, without the pain, someone alive. All you can do is be ready for the good, so that when it comes you invite it in because you need it. I need it._

Her pen hovered over the pages as she read back the words to herself. She barely noticed when the words flowed again.

_You know that feeling inside, like a balloon, constantly filling up, always on the verge of popping? Well, maybe, just maybe, I do. A friend would tell me to let it pop. But I alienated so many of them that there’s just me. There’s only so much a balloon can take before it pops._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated!

He felt the warm blood flow down his throat as he drained the lion’s carcass dry. He felt the last drop pass by his teeth, and he pulled away, pushing the limp body away. His thirst sated, he knew that the next time he saw his reflection, bright golden eyes would be staring back at him. Mid-sigh, the strong scent of honey and chamomile caught his attention and his eyes flickered to the right where Jasper was standing with his arms folded.

“You done, Edward?” he asked, striding over to his adoptive brother’s side.

“Yeah,” he nodded, shifting the dead animal out of the way where nature would intervene. He frowned. “What do you want to talk about?”

“There’s no hiding anything from you,” Jasper grumbled. Edward rolled his eyes but nevertheless, followed Jasper over to a fallen tree, which they leapt onto. “Have you told Bella what happened in the hospital?” Edward stared at him in surprise. “Alice told me,” Jasper enlightened him.

“I only told Carlisle,” Edward told him. Jasper pulled a face in exasperation. “I guess you’re right. There’s no keeping anything from Alice.”

“So, you _haven’t_ told her,” Jasper concluded, quite rightly.

“Bella is…” Edward hesitated, choosing his words carefully, “a private person. She’s always had a wall.” He sighed, raking his fingers through his bronze hair. “If anything, I made it worse after we left Forks.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Jasper murmured.

It was fleeting, but Edward heard it anyway. “It wasn’t yours either,” he countered, “as I’ve told you before.”

A moment of silence passed between them before Jasper cut in.

“Why haven’t you said anything?”

“I know that she’s always liked that I couldn’t hear her thoughts,” Edward revealed. “That day…” Jasper frowned at the swirling vortex of despair and pain that briefly pulled Edward up short. He patted him on the shoulder a few times in comfort and Edward started again. “Carlisle tried his best to hide it from me, but I caught it. That day, she briefly slipped away, and the wall came down. I could hear her inside my head. It was so faint at first, like a whisper. Then it got stronger and I knew. She wasn’t with me anymore.”

“But she started to respond to treatment,” Jasper pondered.

“True,” Edward nodded. “But her voice is still in my head.”

Jasper’s head slowly turned 90 degrees, a frown of concern and confusion etched into his features. “Excuse me?”

“It never went away,” Edward said flatly, his face blank. “She doesn’t need to tell me that she feels I’m distant with her. I just can’t bring myself to tell her. It hurts to see through her eyes what those months alone were like for her. It haunts her.” Edward sighed, glancing Jasper’s way. “We never talk about it, but I know it’s always on her mind. My intention to never bring her any pain was exactly what gave her pain.”

Jasper found himself speechless. He had no words of comfort to offer, nor any words of brutal honesty to bring light to the situation. Jasper had always felt everyone else’s pain for so long that he wasn’t ever sure if the pain he felt was his own. Alice brought the light into his life where there no longer was any. She was the one thing that brought him hope. She was the one place he drew comfort when the world left him spent. He frowned at the sight of Edward, so torn, so guilty, so sad, that he knew that words weren’t enough. They continued to sit in companionable silence as they felt the world pass them by second by second.

The sun beat down on Bella. She breathed in lungful’s of air, smiling at the heat that warmed her skin. That was the one thing she missed in Forks. She opened her chocolate brown eyes to look upon her gran’s face, whose eyes mirrored her own. Marie considered her a moment.

“What is it, Bel?” she asked, putting her hand atop of Bella’s.

“I’m just thinking about how good it feels to be in the heat,” she replied. “It’s peaceful here.”

“Yes,” Gran mused. “I wondered why you’d brought me here.”

Bella’s face shot around to look at Marie. Gran only replied with a smile. Suddenly she was aware they hadn’t met in the meadow like they usually did, but she couldn’t place where they were just yet.

“Why?” Bella echoed in question.

“Oh, my beautiful girl,” she said fondly, “I wish your heart wasn’t filled with the ache of living.”

“Wha-” Bella started, as she watched in horror as Marie started to cough up water. From some distance behind her gran, she could make out three dark figures, but she was unable to decipher any features. She took her gran by the shoulders and called her name over and over. She looked around for help and realised she was sat on the fountain side in the middle of the desolate main square of the city of Volterra.

“Bel,” Gran spluttered.

“No, don’t,” Bella replied in panic. She looked at her hands gripping her gran’s shoulders and saw the light bouncing off her skin in coloured fractals. She looked across the square at the imposing clock tower and saw the unmistakable figures of Aro, Marcus and Caius. She noted the pleased smirk pulling at the mouth of Aro.

“Just let it go,” Marie said in her last breath.

Bella watched helplessly as the three figureheads of the Volturi made their way over to her as she got up on her feet. She saw the glint in Caius’ eye as he glanced at Marie’s body.

“No!” she screamed in protest. “You can’t have her!” Without hesitation, she reached down towards her gran and plunged her hand through her chest, pulling out her heart.

Bella’s eyes shot open and she screamed. She was sat at the desk in Edward’s room, slumped over with her head in her arms. She wasn’t aware when she’d fallen asleep but only the fear that gripped her now upon her awakening alerted her to the fact she had fallen into a deep sleep. She sat upright in her chair as she heard the door fly open. Alice appeared at her side. Bella screamed again in response.

“Bella, Bella,” Alice soothed, rubbing her arms. “It’s okay, it’s me!”

Bella worked to control her breathing and she shook her head. “Alice, I’m so sorry,” she apologised breathlessly. “It must have been a nightmare.”

“What about?” she asked, hopping up onto the edge of the desk, leaving her feet to swing back and forth.

“Oh, it was nothing,” Bella waved the subject away.

“Yep,” Alice nodded, “ _nothing_ makes me scream out, too. You’ve been around us far too long now to scream in response to our abrupt presence, so don’t give me that. Explain away, lady.”

Bella peered at her uncertainly, pushing back her long dark locks from her face. She sighed.

“Okay,” she conceded, “it’s just I’ve been dreaming about Gran a lot since the hospital and it’s just been bothering me.”

“Your Gran Marie?” Alice asked, raising an eyebrow. “The one who’s been dead six, seven years?”

“The very same,” Bella nodded. “She was always a very difficult woman. She didn’t really get on with Renée, but she doted on me. It was… difficult when she died. She’s just so vivid in my dreams that she feels so real.”

“So, what made you scream out?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” Bella said, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. “It’s just that death seems to be a recurring theme.”

Alice pursed her lips. “You know, Bella,” she started, “I don’t remember anything of my human life. I know that it was a life filled with trauma, despair and pain but I can’t remember that. Maybe it made immortal life easier for me because there was none of that baggage to begin with for me. I always had the ability to see possibilities and the first thing I saw upon my new beginning was Jasper. I knew that I had to wait for him for a long time and the only thing that made that long wait suck a little less was the hope I had, the reassurance that vision gave me, that one day I’d meet him. There was no question for me. And upon meeting me, there wasn’t for him either. You and Edward are the same.” Alice paused. “Heartbreak is what made the Cullen family.”

That struck Bella. Carlisle’s loneliness, the ache he had in his heart for so long that started the Cullen line. Edward losing his family and gaining a new one after he lost his own life. Esme’s grief that drove her to take her own life. Rosalie’s trauma that ended her life, hopes and dreams. Emmett having his life unexpectantly taken from him, leaving his family in the process. Alice’s isolating life that ended in further isolation which put her on the path to find Jasper, whose life had ended abruptly and put him on the path of being lost, alone and depressed. All different stories but with a common theme: heartbreak.

“We find comfort in our family,” Alice murmured gently. “Bella,” she hopped off the desk and turned to her, “we, including Edward, can’t tell you how sorry we are for how you must be feeling. No one just gets over abandonment. You never allowed yourself to accept that that’s what happened, so it just hurt you more. You need to remember that what happened came from love.”

Tears burned hot in Bella’s eyes and she blinked numerous times in an attempt to keep them at bay. She tried her best to keep painful thoughts and memories at bay and generally on the whole she was successful. But it wasn’t possible to keep running from pain that stays with you.

“Oh, Bella,” Alice said sympathetically, throwing her arms around Bella’s neck and squeezing her gently. “It’s okay. Just let it out.” Bella hugged her back, her head on her shoulder. “The way you needed to all along.” Bella nodded, allowing the tears to fall down her cheeks. “It’s time you talked to your fiancé,” Alice said in her ear.

Bella’s eyes opened, looking over Alice’s shoulder, seeing Edward stood in the doorway with concerned eyes and a hand gestured to her in invitation.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated!

Bella and Edward sat side by side on the bed with enough space between them to fit in Emmett. They’d been sat in silence for the past five minutes and there was no sign of anyone breaking it. To Bella, it started to feel deafening. For Edward, there was never a quiet moment. There were always people in his head, whether he wanted it or not. Even when he tuned them out, it was like a numbing headache. However, the past five minutes went by unnoticed by Edward. Bella wasn’t as clear to him as the rest of the world was. Her voice in his head was like she was speaking in his ear through a feather pillow. Since he’d first heard her that day in the hospital, her presence in his mind was unforgettable. It was like no other he’d experienced. He had no idea if it would ever stop.

“So, one of us should probably break the silence,” Bella suggested, clearing her throat.

“Well, you beat me to it,” Edward murmured.

Silence passed between them again. Bella fidgeted with her hands, unsure how to talk. It wasn’t a place she particularly excelled. Edward leaned over and grasped her hands between his own. She looked up from her lap into his deep honey coloured eyes.

“You’re right,” he said gently. “Talking isn’t a place you excel.”

Bella frowned, tilting her head slightly as she considered him with the question in her eyes.

“I know you’ve been wondering if I’ve been keeping something from you,” he explained. “And I have.” Bella’s eyes widened in surprise, even though deep down she knew she was expecting this one way or another. “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to scare you or make you feel anxious or otherwise, not that this is an excuse. But I’ve since realised that I should tell you.” Edward paused, standing up and releasing her hands from his grip. He ran his fingers through his reddish-brown hair and glanced back at Bella’s tense face. “In the hospital, when you were really sick, you didn’t respond immediately to treatment. You were asleep and I was at your side…” For the briefest moment, sadness crossed his face and in the same moment, it vanished. “I heard your voice in my head. You were dreaming.”

“Wait,” Bella interjected, “you mean, you could hear my thoughts?”

Edward looked at her and sighed, walking back over to the bed where he sat down. “I _can_ hear your thoughts,” he corrected. Bella froze in shock. The expression on her face was a mix of horror, appalled, surprise, embarrassment and flickers of other emotions that Edward couldn’t place in that moment. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured quietly.

“Why?” Bella asked breathlessly, fidgeting with her hands again.

“Carlisle has his theories,” he replied. “We think we were closer to losing you than we thought and your mind… whatever protected your mind from my telepathy disappeared. I can’t be sure if it’s permanent.”

Bella sighed, processing his words.

“I knew that you liked that I couldn’t read your mind,” he revealed. “I don’t understand it. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I was just afraid to.”

“Why?”

“I was afraid you’d return your engagement ring,” he confessed.

“Why would I do that?” Bella asked, conscious that she was starting to sound like a broken record.

“I was worried it would change things for you,” he revealed, looking down at her.

“Does it for you?” she challenged.

“Bella,” he started, turning to face her, “you mean everything to me.” He took her hands in his. “The first time I heard you in my head, it was so faint that I thought you were just talking in your sleep. When I realised that I was actually reading your mind, it was like the first time I woke as a newborn. It was new. It was terrifying. I had to face losing you again.” He moved closer to her, closing the space left between them. “I _never_ should have left you.”

Hearing the words, the verbal reminder made Bella wince.

“Bella?” he asked, frowning, cupping her cheek with his hand, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I’m okay,” she reassured him. She paused and looked at him. “Edward…I’d prefer that you couldn’t read my mind. Please, don’t take offence. It’d be the most normal thing about us.” Edward nodded in understanding, so Bella continued. “But it sucked, okay? I’ll admit that it hurt. It still hurts. You left and it sucked. I had this hole in my heart and it never went away when you all came back. I didn’t know I could feel pain like that.”

“I don’t know what can fix it,” Edward admitted.

“Neither do I,” Bella whispered.

Silence reigned over them once again. Bella fell back onto the bed and gazed up at the ceiling. After a moment, Edward followed suit and rolled onto his side to gaze at her.

“What are you thinking?” he murmured.

“Can’t you tell?” she remarked. She glanced at him and took it back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”

“Don’t apologise,” he scolded her gently. “I can read minds but I’m not a soul reader. It’s like I said… even though I can hear your voice in my head, it’s different to everyone else. You take a bit more concentration.” He nudged her. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I don’t even know,” she frowned.

“You’ve been a real soldier, Bella,” he told her. “All your life. You constantly surprise me. How you rise above the next thing and the next thing. I hurt you in ways I didn’t think was possible, even after those actions were because I love you.”

“That’s me,” Bella conceded, “one of the troops.”

“I know how hard it was for you,” he murmured.

“I really doubt that,” she whispered.

“If there’s anything I can do to make it better…” he trailed off.

“Look,” Bella said, sitting up, “I know you only did what you thought was best to protect me. Neither of us got what we wanted.”

“I never wanted it to go that far,” Edward confided.

“I know that,” Bella nodded. “It’s not even a question of that. It’s just…” she looked down into her lap, unable to meet his eye. “After… I need a little bit of a break. Please?”

“What space do you need?” he asked, his face expressionless.

“Not space,” Bella objected. “God knows, I’ve had enough of that.” Edward winced at that. “Time. I never gave myself the time to accept what happened after my birthday and in Volterra and the past few weeks. Maybe acceptance is what I need. No matter how hard that is.”

Bella got up and made her way towards the door.

“You still my girl?” Edward’s voice caused her to pause.

She turned around to look at him and smiled lightly.

“Always.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated!

Tick. Tick. Tick. The unmistakable sound of the grandfather clock ran through the otherwise silent office. Bella frowned at it, the constant tick-tock grating on her already fragile nerves. She scowled at her left wrist that she currently had raised in the air. She heard a soft chuckle and she looked up.

“Don’t worry,” Carlisle smiled, shaking his head. “It’s just a sprain. I’ll wrap it up to reduce any unnecessary movement and, in the meantime, I order you to rest it and no more sparring with Emmett this week.”

“We weren’t sparring!” Bella objected, looking stung.

“I honestly wonder what goes on in your head sometimes,” Carlisle replied nonchalantly, as he gently held some ice up against Bella’s wrist. “I’m not sure kick boxing was your finest idea.”

“It was going fine,” Bella mumbled, looking down into her lap. Or at least it was until she threw a punch at the punching bag which hit back at her, sending her flying towards the ground. She’d thrown out her hand to stop her fall but instead felt her wrist give way from the impact. Emmett had been occupied at the moment it happened and, in his guilt, swooped her up in his arms and sought out Carlisle much to her dismay.

Carlisle considered her for a moment. “Accidents happen, Bella,” he said sympathetically, reaching for the brace that he wanted to put her wrist in. He took the ice away from her wrist and examined the swelling. “We’ll get some more ice on this in 4 hours,” he told her, putting the ice pack to one side.

“Thanks, Carlisle,” she sighed, sitting back.

He pressed his lips together and gave her a smile as he squeezed her knee gently. He left his office to go down to the kitchen to put the ice pack in the freezer. As he shut the door, he came face to face with Edward.

“How is she?” he asked instantly.

“She’s fine, Edward,” Carlisle replied patiently. “Just a little swelling. It’ll heal.”

For a brief moment, silence passed between them. Edward cocked his head to one side and frowned, looking at Carlisle. “How is she?” he asked again.

Carlisle’s eyebrows raised slightly, understanding that Edward wasn’t asking about her wrist. It had been a few days since the two of them had spoken about her needing some time to recover. Every night, Edward lay next to Bella as she slept. He held her when the nightmares woke her. He was there when she unconsciously sought him out and had a hold of his shirt in her fist during the night. He was nearby during the day, though Esme kicked him out of the kitchen as she insisted on cooking for Bella. However, Bella had insisted that her time training with Emmett was to be just her and Emmett. But he worried.

Two days after Edward and Bella spoke to each other about the painful stuff, Bella sought out Carlisle. She’d found him in his office one day. He invited her in, she sat down on the sofa in there next to his expansive bookshelves and lost all words. He had asked how she was and other time filling questions, but she hadn’t told him why she’d come to find him. He didn’t push her. He knew that people always find the words when they most need them. The following day she’d appeared again and this time, she’d asked if she could rest in his office with a book. If anything, Carlisle was delighted and let her in warmly. The third day, he’d come home from his shift at the hospital to find her napping on the sofa, _Wuthering Heights_ dropped on the carpet at her feet. He’d draped a blanket over her and worked at his desk. Today, she needed no excuse as her sprained wrist brought her to him. However, both Edward and Carlisle could hear that she hadn’t vacated his office.

“I have no idea,” Carlisle answered him honestly. “She hasn’t talked to me about what she actually wants to talk about yet. I may have to help her with that.” He paused and frowned at Edward. “I wonder why you ask if you can just read it in her mind?”

Edward shook his head. “It’s not as easy as that. She’s always been different, like she’s on another frequency to everyone else. It takes concentration. Her thoughts are like static on a radio. The past few days… it’s been getting harder to read her.”

“You’re saying she’s going radio silent on you?”

“Well, we weren’t sure if I’d be able to continue seeing into her mind,” Edward shrugged. “Maybe her mind is starting to heal, too.”

“That seems feasible,” Carlisle nodded. “I’m just going to check on Bella.” Edward nodded, then he fled out of the back door into the forest.

Bella looked up at Carlisle as he came through into the office. She was sat with her back against the cushions on the sofa and she’d been spacing staring out of the window. Carlisle came over and sat next to her, which failed to break Bella out of her reverie. He looked at her, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“Bella,” he coaxed, “what’s going on?”

Her head swung around to look into his face, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Nothing,” she replied in confusion, “why?”

“I’m several centuries old,” he sighed. “Don’t assume I can’t see what’s right in front of me. Something has been bothering you. Tell me.”

Bella fell back further into the cushions and sighed, her brow furrowed.

“You’re right,” she agreed. “Something has been bothering me. I’ve just never been good at…” she hesitated.

“Talking?” Carlisle finished for her.

“Something like that,” she smiled. She fidgeted with her hands for a moment until Carlisle placed his hand on top of hers.

“Come on,” he said. “You’ve spent days in my company. It’s time to speak to me. You know you can trust me?”

“Carlisle, I trust you with my life,” she told him, complete sincerity evident in her voice.

He squeezed her fingers gently then sat back expectedly.

“Okay,” she started, geeing herself up, and shifting her position on the sofa so that she was facing Carlisle. “Alice said something to me that I haven’t been able to let go of and it got me thinking.” Carlisle’s expression remained expectant, silently giving her permission to continue. “Alice said that heartbreak… made the Cullen family. It’s at the very heart of it.”

Bella was surprised to see that Carlisle didn’t react in the way she expected. He simply nodded and his mouth downturned as if he was impressed by that description of his family. He noticed the expression on her face and jumped in to explain his reaction.

“I’d never considered that before,” he confessed. “Alice could always see so much more than anyone else, even without the visions. In retrospect, I think she is quite right. I acknowledge all of our family’s views on our lives. Rosalie’s in particular can be difficult to stomach but she is also right. Our lives did end. It was a tragedy because perhaps they needn’t have.”

“So, how did you all deal?”

Carlisle blinked at her. “You mean with what happened to each of us?”

“You all lost your lives, families, dreams. There were abusive relationships, lost children, lost memories, fears.” Bella shrugged helplessly. “I just… how did you all deal with such pain?”

“I don’t think you ever do,” Carlisle replied. “I’ve had many, many years to deal. It took a long time for a lot of it to fade. With this life came other problems but with time, they faded too. In some cases, I knew I couldn’t heal them all.” Bella frowned. “Rosalie, for instance. We aren’t perfect, Bella, no matter how much we look it.” He sighed. “For Edward, it was hard for him coming into this life without his parents. It left a hole in his heart. He learned he could hear everyone else’s pain and that made this life challenging for him. But he adjusted. I knew that if she could sleep, Esme would suffer nightmares, just like you do. As a newborn, it took time for her to stop showing signs of PTSD, even with me. But as an immortal being, patience is something you get good at.” He paused, glancing around the room and then back at Bella’s intent gaze. “I believe Jasper found peace with Alice. And Edward found it with you.”

“Really?” she asked, a smile creeping at the corner of her lips.

“He’s never loved another more,” Carlisle assured her.

“I know that,” Bella whispered.

“So, I gather you wanted to ask me how you can recover from your heartache,” Carlisle stated.

“I just don’t want to hurt Edward anymore,” she confessed.

“I know,” he replied. He put his hand over her hand that was nearest to him and he squeezed her fingers. “Edward just doesn’t want you to keep hurting.”

“I can’t help wondering when he’s next going to leave me,” she confided, “because I know that he can and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’m afraid I wouldn’t survive him leaving again.”

“Bella, I need you to understand something,” Carlisle sighed sadly. “There are good and bad things about being a vampire. You feel like you could do anything. Be anyone. That’s why we’ve always delved into new things. Why we all have various degrees, pursued so many projects over the years. Beautiful things are more beautiful. Everything is heightened, you just live more intensely. I suppose that’s why the newborn year is so famous. You also love more powerfully.” He paused, biting his lip. “The worst is that anger becomes rage. When you’re sad, you’re in despair. Grief. Loss. It can cripple you.”

“Edward never told me what it was like,” Bella revealed, taken aback.

“He wouldn’t,” Carlisle nodded. “It’s difficult. He loves you so much more than you could ever know.” He chuckled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “So much so that it almost killed you both.” He sighed. “Bella, it will hurt less. We all just found our peace with the one person who filled the hole in our hearts. Edward didn’t want to lose you, least of all from a slip up from any of our kind. We’re all just so sorry that in his intention to protect you, you got hurt in more than one way.”

Bella looked at Carlisle from the corner of her eyes, with a flat smile at her lips.

“He didn’t know how strong I was,” she voiced. “I’m going to get through this,” she said to herself. Carlisle saw the tears rise in her voice. “Carlisle,” she said his name, almost in exasperation, shaking her head. “Right?” She was asking for confirmation. She stared at him and he looked down at his lap in concern. Gentle sobs shook her body as they came out in short breaths. She squeezed her eyes shut as her face lifted to the ceiling and the sobs took over as she let out the cries that she’d kept inside for so long. Carlisle leaned over and put his arms around her as she let herself find acceptance and peace in the arms of the patriarch of the Cullen family.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated!
> 
> Author disclaimer: song used in this chapter All I've Ever Needed by Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald. This song is beautiful. It was written about Edward and Bella and it was perfect for this story. I hope you love it, too.

Bella sat quietly at the counter in the kitchen absent-mindedly stirring a cup of chamomile tea around the depths of the delicate china mug clasped between her hands. Through the window, she heard the sounds of birds singing, the leaves rustling in the breeze and the water running down the stream. It was peaceful here.

She looked up at the sounds of two pairs of feet coming towards her and a second later the figures of Carlisle and Esme coming through the open doorway. The both flashed her a warm smile in greeting.

“Good morning, Bella,” Esme embraced her. She glanced down at the mug of warm chamomile tea. “Would you like something to eat? An omelette, perhaps?”

“No, thank you, Esme,” Bella smiled in gratitude. “I’m not feeling particularly hungry.”

“Are you alright?” Carlisle asked, his brow furrowed slightly.

She smiled gently. “Yeah,” she breathed. “I slept well for the first time in a while. I’m okay.”

Carlisle and Esme exchanged glances.

“Really,” Bella reassured them. “I’m okay.”

Out of habit, more than anything, Carlisle leant forward and felt her pulse at her wrist. He paused for a few moments and he nodded, satisfied. “Your blood pressure is healthier than it was. And I must say that I’m happier with your lung function. Your heart is sounding stronger.”

Esme squeezed Bella’s shoulder fondly as Bella smiled, inwardly glowing. The blush on her cheeks was giving her all the outward glow she needed. Bella went back to stirring her tea, feeling two sets of eyes on her.

“What is it?”

“You’ll tell us if you need anything, won’t you?” Esme asked, worry evident in her topaz eyes.

Without hesitation, Bella found herself replying, “of course.” She considered the two people in front of her who she regarded as family, and paused, before slowly stepping forward and putting her arms around them both. Carlisle and Esme looked at each other from either side of Bella’s head and smiled. They knew no words were needed. Bella was saying all she needed in the embrace, which she couldn’t find words for.

Bella reached her room to find the bed made and her clothes folded with a fresh bath towel in a neat pile at the end of the bed. She shook her head. Edward. As soon as she left his arms in the morning to have a human moment and to refresh herself for the day ahead, she would always come back to her room to find the bed remade and everything she needed put to one side for her. She was all too aware that his intriguing and unique appearance and mystery was what initially drew her to him. But his gentlemanly ways were just another thing that separated him from any other person she’d crossed paths with. It wasn’t a trait that was seen too often.

She reached for her toiletries and clothes, then stopped when she saw an envelope on her pillow. She frowned, picking it up, sitting on the side of the bed, letting her legs dangle over the side. She carefully slid a nail under the fold of the envelope and pulled out the letter addressed to her.

“Dear Bella,” it read in a beautiful cursive script, “Contrary to how I’ve treated you in the past, I’m not a monster, or at least, I wasn’t always. I once told you my unhappy ending, hoping that you would see that your decision to throw away your humanity is a mistake. I’m sorry, but I strongly believe that it is, and I don’t doubt that that will not change. There are so many things that you lose in this life. However, my intention here isn’t to give you a lecture. I believe I’ve already been down that road once with you. There’s one road that I haven’t taken and that’s to offer you a word of comfort.

“I’m so sorry that I’ve been absent during your evident illness. Who knew that heartbreak could cause so much damage? I know that this was never the desired result from hoping to protect you. I confess, which I know must come as no surprise, is that I fully supported leaving you to live out your human life, without interference from this existence. However, I can respect how much it must have hurt.

“It may come as something of a shock to you to learn that not all is perfect in our world. Happiness, true happiness, comes in different forms for different people. We are each missing something in our lives that doesn’t quite make it complete. I’ve no doubt that you have an idea of what each of us miss most. For you, I suspect that you have a hole in your heart. A hole that not even vampire venom can heal. I’m sure each of us can speak from our own experiences. Heartbreak, real heartbreak, can never truly be healed. It leaves a scar that continues to hurt if we take ourselves back to the moment our heart broke and all we had fell away. I may never tell you to your face, but I respect that you’ve felt this and continued to fight through the pain. It was the most human thing you could have done.

“My final words that I can offer you is that changing, losing your humanity, won’t heal what really hurts. The nightmares will stop because sleep will no longer be a necessity, but you will never forget. If you can live with that for eternity, than you need not fear the first day of the rest of your life. I know, we all know, what Edward and all of us mean to you. I never wished to see you hurt. Betrayal is a difficult thing to overcome and I’m no role model for dealing with it. However, I know what and who you cannot live without.

“Please, take what I offer you. I had you in mind when I wrote this piece of music. It is for you and Edward. I know I can never make up for the difficulties you’ve had from me, but I sincerely apologise for hitting back at you every time you insisted on knowing what you wanted, despite not knowing what you were signing up for. I’ve done selfish things to get by in this world and we all deserve an anchor, just as Edward has and will be yours.

“With great love and respect,

“Rosalie.”

Bella leant back against the post of the four-poster bed and let her hands fall into her lap. She gazed out of the window, letting the words of Rosalie’s letter sink in. She had no idea that Rosalie had it in her, to be so kind, so understanding, so upfront. She felt touched and honestly, a little dazed. She had never allowed herself to think of the beautiful, flawless Cullens to be anything other than the perfect beings they appear to be. But it dawned on her that they were also once people with very painful problems. She almost felt like she understood why Edward did what he did… to save her the pain each of them had gone through.

A soft knock sounded at the open doorway and she turned to see Edward stood there. She felt her face soften in response. He stepped forward and perched himself next to her on the bed. He looked down at the letter in her hand, resting on her lap and he gave her a timid smile. He made no comment on the letter but instead, stood again and offered his hand to her.

“Walk with me?” he suggested.

She smiled at his invitation and reached up to place her fingers over his palm, his fingers then curling over hers to pull her up. She left the letter on the top of her bed and let him lead her out of the bedroom, down the stairs, through the open place space and out of the back door that led out to the forests.

“Where are we going?” she wondered.

He looked down at her from his tall height of 6 foot 2, and flashed her his crooked smile, then winked. Before she could take in the breath to get out her next words, he swooped her up onto his back and ran through the thick of the trees. And just like that, in seconds, the thrill was over, and Bella instantly recognised their meadow. The meadow where he first told her he loved her.

“We haven’t been here in a while,” she commented, immediately stepping forward into the light that shone onto the grass and wildflowers that grew there. She spun around, with her face to the sky, smiling at the warmth baring down on her skin.

Edward smiled fondly at her. He still felt it. That feeling of missing her, these moments. He stepped forward and took her shoulders in his hands as she finished her third twirl on the spot. His fingers brushed down the blush that had risen in her soft cheeks. She breathed out a lungful of air and smiled.

“What?”

“I hadn’t realised you missed it so much here,” he murmured. “Come sit with me.” He pulled her over to the middle of the meadow and sat abruptly, causing her to fall down into his lap. “Very graceful.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed, ignoring the blush she knew was showing on her face. That’s when she noticed the little CD player next to them.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“Rosalie’s gift to us,” he answered.

That’s when she remembered the ending of Rosalie’s letter. It hadn’t immediately occurred to her that there was nothing but the letter on the bed as she had been so preoccupied by her words. He leant over and pressed play, the first bars of the piano filling the meadow with its melody.

_My bed sheets feel empty, when you're not home  
Your heart beat, helps me sleep, your breath soothes my soul._

_Baby your all, Baby your all,  
Baby your all I've ever needed.   
Your all I've ever needed._

Bella looked up into Edward’s face and saw a familiar expression, that she had only seen one other time, that was when she had first visited the Cullen house and she’d seen his room. She’d been admiring his collection of music and he’d taken her hand. Just as he was doing now.

He got to his feet, pulling her up gently with him. He held her hand gently in his as he brought her closer. She stared into his face and couldn’t help the shy smile coming out.

“I can’t dance,” she reminded him quietly.

“I could always make you,” he smirked, echoing his words the very first time they’d listened to music in his room.

_I love you, more than I knew I could ever love somebody.  
I got it all so deep, I can barely even breath.   
If I need a shelter from the storm._

“Is this Rosalie… and Emmett?” she wondered in surprise, her eyes widening at the realisation.

“Rosalie has always been proficient at the piano,” Edward nodded. “And Emmett has told everyone to take this to their graves, which I admit was a terrible choice of words.”

Bella laughed. “Who knew he had that in him?”

“Well, we all find ways to fill the endless time,” Edward murmured, continuing to sway back and forth with Bella in his arms.

_Baby your all  
Baby your all  
Baby your all I've ever needed.   
Baby your all  
Baby your all  
Baby your all I've ever needed._

“You mean the world to all of us, Bella,” he told her suddenly.

Her head shot up, her eyes meeting his golden ones. She reflected on all the care they’d given her. The time they spent with her. How they called her a member of their family. And she didn’t doubt his words.

_Every promise I made, has lead us up to this.  
Please remember my love, when you've forgotten your way,   
And this ache in my heart, makes me want to stand tall.   
I let them take me down, when this isn't my fault.   
Tell me it's not my fault.   
Tell me it's not my fault._

“I know,” she confirmed, accepting his words.

For the briefest moment, surprise crossed Edward’s face then it was gone. He felt her relax into his embrace as he moved them about the meadow in sync with the music.

“You are all I ever needed, Bella,” he whispered into her hair, echoing the song. His fingers circled the engagement ring on Bella’s third finger on her left hand. “This ring will forever remind you of that when I’m not by your side.”

_Baby your all  
Baby your all  
Baby your all I've ever needed.   
Baby your all  
Baby your all  
Baby your all I've ever needed.   
Your all I've ever needed._

Bella smiled into his chest. She knew that the pain she had held in her heart for all those months would always be felt when her mind drifted to that lonely time. Once that naïve, secure part of herself had been taken away so suddenly, it was a difficult task to put the trust and faith back. However, being embraced by the Cullen family in so many ways and standing in Edward’s secure arms, she found the hope and love fit back into her heart where the overwhelming ache, anxiety and worry always sat.

Edward had let his head rest on top of hers, the strawberry scent from her shampoo filling his senses. As the song was nearing the end, his eyes shot open as it was exactly like a radio being put back into tune. Where before he had an insight into her mind, the static giving him snippets of her subconscious was suddenly lifted and her mind was completely shut off from him. Instinctively, his arms tightened around her, just enough to bring her closer to him. He felt the tenseness in his shoulders relax. He knew his Bella had fought through the pain and her mind responded in the only way it knew.

_I love you, more than I knew  
I could ever love somebody.   
Baby your all, Baby your all,   
Baby your all I've ever needed._

Imperfection and perfection go so hand in hand, and our dark and our light are so intertwined, that by trying to push the darkness or the so-called negative aspects of our life to the side... we are preventing ourselves from the fullness of life. The Cullens each take this into their perfect piece of forever.


	15. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes this story! Please leave your comments - they're always welcome and appreciated! I'd love to know what you thought. This story is very sentimental to me, so I hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing it.

Bella stared at the blank page in front of her. She flipped the pages of the notepad quickly, like you would a flip book animation to make the first picture move with each turn of the page. She watched the pages of words flip past her eyes in a blur. She sighed and started to write.

“Bella?” a soft voice chimed, putting a pause to the pen scribbling the words on the page, her heart skipping a beat. She looked towards the doorway to see Jasper stood there, smiling an apology. “I’m sorry if I startled you,” he said, stepping further into the room.

“No problem,” she shrugged it off. She watched him edge further into the room with her and he sat down, shifting in his seat slightly. “Was there… did you want something?” She raised her eyebrows expectedly.

“Oh, no,” he replied, then immediately backtracked. “Yes. I wanted to speak to you.”

Bella nodded slowly, a slight frown at her brow. She sat back, pressing her lips together and gestured with her hands for him to continue.

He grimaced. “Alice sent me in. Your mom called, to RSVP to the wedding. And she wanted to speak to you, but you were out with Charlie this morning.”

“Oh,” Bella smiled a brilliant smile. “Thanks. I’ll call her later.” She turned to pick her pen back up and stopped. “Wait, did you say the wedding?”

“Yes,” Jasper replied in amusement. “You didn’t think everything came to a halt because you were ill, did you?”

“Well, yeah!” she cried in exasperation.

“It’s Alice,” he shrugged. “You may have scared us, but we didn’t stop hoping.” He got up. “You’ll always remember the most painful day of your life, but it won’t be your last. And neither will it be your most memorable.”

Bella swallowed. “Words of wisdom?” she asked, with a soft chuckle.

“Something like that,” he smirked. “I won’t ask how you’re doing. I suppose you’re tired of people asking you that. But I can feel the healing kicking in and honestly, it’s kind of a relief.” Bella made to open her mouth and he waved his hands at her. “Don’t apologise. It’s part and parcel with feeling everything around me. She keeps me grounded.” He smiled at the thought of his pixie-like wife. Then he looked directly at Bella. “I’m looking forward to you joining our family.”

“There’s the wedding to get through first,” Bella pointed out, simultaneously pulling a face and lifting the corners of her mouth up into a smile at the thought.

Jasper snorted. “Speaking of which, I best get back to Alice. She’s been barking orders at us all week.”

A pained expression crossed Bella’s face.

“I wouldn’t worry,” he told her. “We’ve had a _lot_ of practice.”

Bella smiled as she watched him disappear out of the door and down the stairs to seek out his wife. She turned back to her written entry in her notebook and reread what she’d written before Jasper joined her company. Then she continued to write. ~~~~

~~I love~~

You told me it wasn’t my time to join you yet. And I realise that you were right. I woke each time from seeing you and passed it off as a dream, but maybe it wasn’t. Even though, I had Edward back, a dominant part of me felt like I hadn’t. I lost myself along the way and it hurt. It hurt more than I could bare. I didn’t want to hope. Hope hurts, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

I’m surprised more than anyone, that I feel my wedding day will be different. That day I will smile. It will be genuine. Because that day is the day I get to live again. It’s not about the guy, or the wedding, or the princess has her happily every after. I’ll know I’d have truly lived. This life will be good. And beautiful. But not without heartbreak. In death comes peace, but pain is the cost of living. Like love, it’s how we know we’re alive.

I worried that I would never find peace. But I know I was wrong, because peace exists. It lives in everything we hold dear. That is the promise of peace. That one day, after a long life, we find each other again. Gran, you showed me that I can find peace in myself again. No one can do that for you. You have to be ready for the good, so that when it comes, you invite it in because you need it. I need it.

The day I wake will be the first day of the rest of my life. I stumbled through life, not quite knowing where I fit in. Troubles come for everyone. Death has no respect for love. When it’s my time to join you, I know my time would be over, but I would have long found peace, because you’re always with me.

I love you.

Bella.


End file.
